3. Good early evening and welcome again to Ask Molly Mushroom’s third instalment. I do hope that you are all well and have had a lovely day. If not then I recommend a stiff drink while listening to Molly Mushroom’s Feel Good Affirmations. These affirmations have helped people worldwide and are listened to by the likes of Ken Dodd and Pamela Ewing. They really are jolly good.

Firstly, I would like to acknowledge the horrendous and pointless attacks that have been going on around the world including the abhorrent crimes that have been happening in Paris. I was truly shocked and devastated to hear what these ‘people’ have done and am truly saddened to hear and see the outcomes of their cowardice and despicable crimes. It breaks my heart to think that some people are so horrendously brainwashed and extremist that they could carry out this sort of thing. I wish everyone involved in this hideous state of events love and love and more love.

Thank you all for your letters and emails. Keep them coming! It is of regret that I can't be bothered am unable to correspond with everyone, and some a relief! You know who you are, you dirty boy! It has also been a rather trying time for me due to being serenaded by the one and only Barry Manilow. It was one of the most disturbing things that has ever happened to me, what with his knobbly knees and quaffed hair. I just pray the publicity photos do not see the light of day. Saying that, the whole story will soon be on YouTube so be sure not to miss it. Anyway, enough of me, here’s over to you.

 

 

Good evening Molly, as the miraculous fungus specialist that you are, I wondered if you could be so kind as to help me with my very itchy and irritating problem. Do you recommend any thrush busting remedies? I’ve tried the regular pessaries and canestan creams but they have not worked. Are there any other treatments that could help? I heard on the thrush vine that aloe vera can help but would like to hear it from the mouth of a specialist. Here’s hoping you can help with my problem and fast before my flu fly’s away.

Yours kindly Itchy Irna 

 Hello Irna, Molly here to help you with that itch of yours. I am aware that you wrote to me a week ago so I am wondering what state it is in now or even if there is any point in replying to you, ha ha. Has your flu flown away? Surely we would have seen it. I also want to thank you for the flattery but I’m afraid it will get you nowhere. I am indeed an expert in everything fungal and consider myself a knowledgeable spore, especially considering half of my extended family are of the ‘jock itch’ variety. Those cheeky chaps know how to have a good time, I’m telling you! Now, I am assuming that you have smothered yourself and eaten your weight in live yogurt? This has proven to combat that rather unpleasant and contagious infection you have. If I were you I would use something with a pleasant smell to it, something like plum or raspberry. My advice is to smother yourself in it and leave it on for seventy eight hours. As my old Gran used to say before we opened our Christmas presents, ‘A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,’ which always helped us through those sticky moments and hard times. How wise and just she was. As you are probably aware, thrush is a yeast infection that can affect the vagina, the penis and if you’re really unlucky both at the same time. You can also get it orally. Now, you say that you have tried pessaries (are you also incontinent? Do you have a partner?) and that the canesten cream didn’t work. What worries me is that you may have got confused with canderel? I once had a friend who made that mistake and she grew a whole farm down below in a matter of minutes. Keep away from marmite and breads.

Other remedies include sitting in a bath of spaghetti hoops, sticking your head in manure and shaving your pubic hair off and sticking it on your upper, upper lip.

If you honestly have found that none of these have worked then I really do recommend you pop down to a pharmacist in the next town to you and talk to them about your problem. You could also wear a disguise to make doubly sure your, shall we say, condition, is not spread like wild fire around your community. May I recommend a Molly Mushroom costume that you can hire out at most good fancy dress shops. Also Ann Summers have just put out a Molly Mushroom maid, limited edition, outfit but be careful as it can apparently chafe and we don’t want that now do we?

For more information about thrush please check out this website http://www.fpa.org.uk/sexually-transmitted-infections-stis-help/thrush-and-bacterial-vaginosis

I do wish you well, Irna, and hope that your condition clears up before you find yourself on the deli counter. With love, Molly X

P.S. Please be aware that thrush is not an STI.

 

Name three things that annoy you? Harry

 Only three, Harry? Generally I try not to get annoyed with things but sometimes I can feel my spores boiling over and it is then that I worry I will be in danger of being mistaken for a hydrated Cup-a-Soup. There are many things that annoy me and most of them involve the inconsiderateness of people’s behaviour and disgusting habits such as spitting. This, what some people think of as acceptable but is in fact repugnant, behaviour makes me want to shed my outer skin and wash my annulus thoroughly. The way certain people make that revolting sound and then ‘flob’ on a pavement in view of all makes me want to spit very angry indeed. Revolting, disgusting, filthy habit.

Another thing that gets my goat is people driving around in their big, flashy cars, windows down playing their music at top level thinking themselves cool. ‘Pssst’, I want to say to them. ‘You look like a nob!’

One of the main things that, not only annoy but sadden me greatly, is how some people are so intolerant and of closed mind. I think some of the reasons this happens is due to the vulnerability of the person or where they can be brainwashed. A good example is of the awful happenings in Paris last week and the on-going terrorism attacks on innocent people around the world. I will never project hate onto these ‘people’ who disrupt so many, though it is tempting. What they did was abhorrent and unforgivable. It is important to try and understand them. To get to the core of their behaviour. Knowledge is power. Instead I will wish for peace and project love and freedom onto every living thing that exists.

Other things that annoy me are laziness, neglect, inequality, people who fly-tip, drop litter, bully, follow the crowd, live lives through someone else’s, martyrs, and Maria Carey fans. (She once told me, on a photo-shoot that she wanted to chop me up and put me in a quiche. Bitch!)

I think I might have to do my ‘Feel Good Affirmations’ now to calm down.

Farewell all and I look forward to next week’s edition of Ask Molly Mushroom. X