Email me your problems or questions at askmollymushroom@yahoo.com

2.  Hello, this is Molly Mushroom, lover of hopscotch and dribbling. Another good early evening to you and welcome to my second ‘Ask Molly Mushroom’ blog. I do so hope you have had a good day. It has not been a good week for me to be honest and it is all down to those naughty Teletubbies and their bad influence.  It started off with all four of them flashing their goods at me. I thought “I am not standing for this” so I flashed them back and watched the colour drain swiftly from their faces. The entire episode ended with all five of us being arrested for indecent exposure. During this time Tinky Winky’s television had malfunctioned so he transferred the ‘adult’ repeats of Dynasty into Laa-Laa’s box while Po exposed his ‘tinky winky’ to all and sundry.  I was then double-dared by Laa-Laa to moon in the window at the Women’s Guild but slipped and dislocated my neck, and Dipsy got so tipsy he vomited heartily. How we laughed! Then the police arrived, covered Laa-Laa’s box wih a blanket and bundled us all into a police van. After a few nights in a police cell my mother, Mrs Mushroom, decided to pay my bail and I was grounded for the rest of the week. Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you and get down to business.

Dear Molly Mushroom, I am very embarrassed about a problem that I have got and don’t know who to turn to. I am a seventeen year old lad and am studying at college. I am good looking and am popular with my mates and girls. This is not the problem. The problem is that I have found a lump on one of my testicles and am too embarrassed to seek advice. You see, I think I have a small penis and I am so ashamed what my doctor would think. I know that I need to sort it out but I really can’t face pulling down my trousers and seeing the reaction of my doctor when he sees my bits. I know I need to do this but I just keep putting it off. Anon

 Hi there. Thank you for your email as I can see it took great balls to write to me. There seems to be two issues here that need sorting out, one being the lump on your testicles and the other your dissatisfaction with your manhood. I shall start with what I believe is the most pressing issue, your testes. Like my old Gran used to say to us before we were bathed and hair washed, ‘Three is a crowd,’ so I really think that you should pick up that phone and dial your GP. There is probably nothing to worry about but you need to look after those little fella’s of yours. But then again it could be something that needs urgent attention. You may never know until it is too late. If the lump does turn out to be cancerous then there is a much higher chance of it being dealt with successfully in the earlier stages. It could also very well be, and more likely to be, benign. Forget that you believe it to be a small cock, drop those pants, hold your head high and proudly display your goods to the doctor making sure it’s only your head on your shoulders that stands to attention! What people seem to forget is that doctors see a huge amount of people on a daily basis. They don’t give a toss about what your anatomy looks like unless there is something wrong with it. What they do give a shit about is that it is working properly and is healthy. You leave the room, they write a few notes on you and then ask to see the next patient.

My goodness me, far too many men wait and wait until they are nearly dead before seeing someone about a problem they have. My friend, Penelope, dated someone who refused to see a doctor. Sadly she had to dump him due to his head falling off when they were making love. She was mortified!

Check this link out with further information about testicular cancer.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Cancer-of-the-testicle/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Now let’s talk about the next bit of your problem: Your wiener. It seems that every male at some point has an issue with their penis so you are not on your own. Some willies are huge and some are small, while some bend to the left and some to the right. I bet that if you compared yours to others you will find that it is actually pretty much in proportion to your body. A lot of the time men look down at their nether regions from above and only see the top bit. What’s worse is if you don’t trim and just see one big bush. My advice, stand in front of the mirror, put your hands on your hips and jut your pelvis out. I bet it doesn't look so small now! Let me ask you a question. Does your penis work? Any problems when you pee?  Do you get enjoyment out of it? If the answer is ‘no’ to the first two questions there’s probably something wrong. If it does hurt when you pee you might have a urinary infection or a sexually transmitted infection (STI) in which case go and see your doctor immediately. You are lucky that a part of your body can give you so much pleasure regardless of what it looks like. (And get you into trouble if you’re not careful!) Acceptance is a big part of everyday life. You may not like a part of your anatomy, and true, you can change it with surgical procedures, but I recommend that you learn to love and accept every single bit of you both inside and out. Your body is amazing, warts and all. Cherish it and enjoy it. Look at your willy and tell it you love it. Get hold of it with one or two hands, depending, and give it a jolly good shake and say, thank you. Remember, your nob might very well be smaller than some but also much bigger than others. With Best regards, Molly X

 

Hi there Molly. Where do you get your hair done? It’s amazing! I would like hair just like yours, Sarah.

 

Hello Sarah and thank you for your question and the picture you sent in. I take it you are giving me a compliment judging by the photo? Either way the answer is my friend, Freddie Fungus, does it for me. He owns a small but vibrant unisex hair salon just down the road from me specialising in big hair and wigs. I am very lucky as my hair is naturally huge. (Incidentally, I have heard on the grapevine that Joan Collins is in awe of it and has requested a wig to be made just like mine but out of pipe cleaners.)

Now Sarah, after taking a step back and getting over the shock, I can see that you are trying your hardest to maintain a healthy hair style that is both complimentary and easy to manage. However, I do recommend you go to a specialist establishment where they can offer you advice, a good stylist and therapy. Also, what you could do is look under the sections ‘plumbers’ or ‘mechanics’ in the Yellow Pages and hopefully you will get someone who is up for a bit of a challenge. I do hope that helps. With kindest thoughts, Molly X