7. Dear all, well hello there and how are we all this fine evening? I do hope you are well and reading this in fine spirits. If you are squashed up on the tube after a long, hard day at work then maybe ask the intruder to get their armpit out of your face before you bite them.

I watched the most gorgeous couple, Jasmine and Ryan, on YouTube today who are in love and who are both transgender. However, I am looking forward to the time when stories like this are not so highly significant. This is because I am looking forward to the time when people accept the person for who they are rather than just their gender or sexuality, or that being transgender is not downgraded and believed to be wrong or unacceptable. It is important to bring up such issues like what Jasmine and Ryan have been through to educate and ‘normalise’ it but what about the day when everyone just gets on with it and celebrates a relationship for what it is… a relationship? How lovely will that be. If you have the ability to love someone grab hold of it with whatever external body part reaches out first and keep hold (unless you fall out of love of course). See the link below. Gorgeous couple.

 https://uk.screen.yahoo.com/lgbtq-videos/transgender-love-teen-couple-happiness-101542883.html

A big hello to Elizabeta aka Miss_Cherry_Lee_Lewis. I hope you are having a lovely day. XXX

Hi Molly, I was wondering what you are doing for Christmas? Anon

Hello Anon, to be honest I think you need to mind your own business. Are you planning on stalking me or breaking into my room and rubbing yourself against my things? What are you scheming? If my sister, Morag, goes missing and is later found in the next town hanged, drawn and quartered who do you think they will point the finger at? If my mother, Mrs Mushroom, somehow finds herself face down in a cowpat, who do you think they will suspect would have done such a thing? You, that’s who! What about if my friends, Pamela and Germalina, randomly combust due to eating a selection of poisonous plants? It will be you that gets the blame.

Have a wonderful Christmas, Molly X

 

Dear Molly Mushroom, I have really enjoyed reading your blogs over the past weeks and think that you give some really good advice. I was especially interested in reading about Naomi’s bowel problem in the first instalment as I suffer with the same problem though it tends to come out the front bit. Any suggestions on how to combat this embarrassing occurrence? Teri

 Are we talking fanny farts here? Why oh why do I get so many gross-out emails? Why can’t I get pleasant ones like Oprah? What have I done to deserve this obscenity? I am aware that I have a drunken lush as a mother and a sadistic, sociopath of a sister but I am a good girl I am. Whatever happened to nice letters or problems? This week I have been bombarded with dirty, graphic emails all about the nether-regions and what you people out there do with them. Here are some examples.

Hi Molly, you are one hot spore!’

‘Dear Molly, I have a problem which concerns my penis. It is an extra-large penis and hangs below my shorts in the summer. I get so embarrassed when it rears its ugly head. What do I do?’ I mean, how do I reply to that? Wear underpants? Chop it off? Become a porn star? I mean, really! Here are some more…

‘Hi Molly, I am worried about how many sexual partners I have had. How many is too many?’

‘Molly Mushroom, you are a slut!’

‘Dear Molly, I was wondering if you could give me some advice on my inverted nipples. I have sent a photo. (please ignore my husband!) I hope you like ;-)’

‘Hi Molly, I was recently dared to go into a gay sex shop but I refused as that sort of thing goes against my religion. After a few seconds of struggling my mates got hold of me and pushed me in where I fell over a large display of phallic implements with one ending up somewhere I do not care to mention. The big, hairy man behind the counter came to help but fell on top of me pressing my body against the ground, his big arms enveloping me. Unfortunately, after he’d tried his hardest to slide himself off, he slipped on a banana skin and hurled himself back on. Well we struggled and wrestled for a good half an hour before eventually managing to pull each other off. After rubbing our poor aching bodies down we were able to laugh about the horrific ordeal over a nice hot cup of tea and a fondant fancy.’

‘Dear Molly Mushroom, I need help.’

‘Dear Molly, can I flick your bean?’

‘Hi Molly, would you ever consider having a face transplant?’

So Teri, I suggest you plug it up and make an appointment with your GP. Good day! Molly X