17. Dear all, Molly here. What a lovely bright day it is today here in sunny London. The sky is blue, the birds are singing and I am feeling light and airy.

Unfortunately I only have time for one response this week so I have included a fun and educational wordsearch for you to do if you get the urge. Let’s get on with it!

 

Dear Molly Mushroom, I am incredibly sad as I have just lost my cat who I had for nearly twenty years. My life feels empty and I have a numbness which does not seem to go. Basically I am an emotional wreck. I miss her so much. Please, do you have any advice? Yours, Alison.

 

Dear Alison, I am so sad to hear about your loss. You have lost a member of your family and what you are doing is grieving. Your cat has seen you through twenty years of your life and twenty years of hers. She has been with you from ups and downs and has supported you with cuddles and love. Some people believe that cats are distant and only need you to feed them. This is not the case. Most cats are incredibly loyal and sulk if their owners leave them for a while. (The people who abandon them and other animals are just scum!) Your cat has provided comfort and safety and deserves to missed as much as she is. However, I can feel that your heart has broken and this is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Have you tried speaking to someone who understands what you are going through? A friend who recognises the importance the relationship you and your cat had.

I will be honest with you and state that what you are feeling will take time to get over and there will always be a sadness that you have when you think back. However there will also be times when you look back and smile and remember her as a kitten, or scratching your favourite sofa, or bringing in the odd dead animal, or whacking you in the face when she wanted to be fed when you needed that well deserved lie in… the list goes on. What you must remember is that you will not feel so emotionally bereft forever.

There are millions of people who have had to see their pet grow from a littleun right until the very end where they have held their paw and seen them drift away. This can be and usually is incredibly traumatic.

Alison, if you feel that you cannot express your grief to someone close to you then you could go to your local vets and ask them if they have information on places that can help you with grief specially suited  with the loss of a pet.

I really do feel for you, Alison, and wish you lots of love, Molly X

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I would like to add that I have come across people who do not favour animals or who simply do not understand the bond that can be formed between animal and human. If you are one of these people please try and consider the feelings others and not blurt out, ‘It’s only a dog/cat.’ Or ‘Just get another one.’ You may not have the ability to understand or empathise but there is no need to be an asshole.

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                                      WORDSEARCH (Both fun and educational!)

 

How many words can you find?

 

 



 

 

16. Hello chicken fillets. I hope you are having a wonderful day and that all your dreams have come true (if they are legal). I have had a turbulent week. It started off with someone taking offence to last weeks post and writing a very angry email stating that I must have been joking about using twigs for eyelashes (I sincerely do not joke about such things!) as she tried it out when seducing her husband one evening ending up with him being rushed to A&E with what looked like a birds nest protruding from his genitalia. I asked her how many twigs she had used and she admitted ‘rather a lot.’ I asked what rather a lot was and she then sent a picture. I promised that I would not show it and Molly always keeps her promises, however tempting it would be. However, I do have some serious concerns regarding some people’s sanity. So if you are reading this, Peggy Pushpram from Wembertinkerton, just be careful you don't find yourself in a padded room!

I had a mixed reaction to my post last week with some of you thanking me for my top tips, fashion and makeup advice, and some of you, let's just say, not so keen. Thank you, Maybe Itsmaybalene for suggesting I stick to what I know! Pot, kettle and black ring a bell?

I decided to give two very different points of view to last week's addition as I think it is important to show both sides. So without werther-a-riginal let's get to it.

For:

My name is Felicity Bainbridge and I found Molly’s beauty and fashion tips a must for the lady with limited time. After a few tries of lowering my head onto the false eyelashes I am now able to do it standing on my head. This is a must for all of you who run a home, work full-time and still find enough time to pleasure your partner. I don’t know what I did before this incredible tip. I also particularly like the brown hairband as an accessory and wore one to my daughter’s wedding last weekend. I was beginning to panic as I had no idea what to wear but thanks to your suggestion, and your immaculate timing, I felt like a princess and have never had so much attention from men. Even the groom wanted a grope. Honestly, I have never been happier.

Thank you again, Molly Mushroom. I look forward to more of your fashion and beauty posts and please see picture below of my special day.

Dear Felicity, I am so pleased you were able to extract so many fantastic tips from last week’s post and it really shows that you took note and worked your look. I especially like the brown hairband and your big hair. It is amazing what you can achieve with a cheap, nylon wig. Well done you! Molly X

 Against:

I am thoroughly unimpressed with your ridiculous tips you have on fashion and beauty and wondered where such silly ideas came from? I attended my niece’s wedding last week and wanted to put together the similar outfit you suggested and have never been more humiliated. I used the same tip you recommended by mixing glue with paint for lipstick but both sets got stuck together. I didn’t have a pink dress and got so flustered that I panicked and didn't have time to put on any clothes whatsoever. Sadly I am not as lucky as my sister, who has long brown hair, and do not have access to wigs so I gathered dry grass up from the lawn and stapled that to my head which later went septic. Please do not give up your day job! Agatha Bainbridge.

Oh dear me, Agatha. You went to your niece’s wedding nude? Shame on you! Now I must fly as I am extremely busy, Molly X

Molly's Beauty Tips.

15.

 

 

Good day to you fine people and welcome to Molly Mushroom’s Ask Molly Mushroom. I am dedicating this week’s post to fashion and beauty. I get a lot of emails asking about where I buy my dresses and get my hair done so I thought I would share it with you. I have already posted my beauty regime on an earlier blog but have now decided to explain how to look great like I do. It is not so easy as I make it look so with a few Molly tricks of the trade and help from my stylists and hair technician you can look as good as me.  I will give you the information and how to transform even the plainest of people.

Water, water and more water plus sleep and laughter are my tricks of the trade so let’s get on with some of your questions

One of the things I am most likely to be asked is how should one apply false eyelashes. If I had a penny for every time I was asked that I would be one rich spore. The trick is to use either fresh false eyelashes or old ones that are thoroughly clean. My old gran used to leave hers overnight in a glass with her false teeth. Nowadays there are easier solutions to use such as toilet bleach or by putting them in a freezer overnight. If you do not have any false eyelashes and you are wanting to dazzle, dare I recommend twigs as a substitute? Controversial I know but they really do work. Simply cut the twig to size, get some super glue and stick it to your upper and lower lids.

Top tip: If you find it tricky applying false eyelashes simply place them curl facing down on your dressing table, apply glue to the edges, open your eyes as wide as you can and lower you face onto them. This is great if you are in a rush or don’t have hands.

Dear Molly Mushroom. I am a very plain girl with slightly rancid eyes and a pot belly. I was wondering if you have any tricks to open my eyes up and to apply my make up properly. Thank you, Jenny.

Hi Jenny, I am going to give you a step by step guide on how to apply makeup so that you do not look the way you do. Please see below with my plain model, Katie.

I hope it helps.

What you can see here is that I swept the blusher over the cheekbones and applied a dark brown to enhance the pallor of the skin tone. This is great for both the daytime and evening wear and you can always apply more! I subtly enhanced the eyebrows to give shape to Katie’s rather unfortunate face and blended in so they give a natural effect. We did not have any false eyelashes to hand so what I cleverly used instead was an eyeliner pen. If you look closely you can just about see that I have cleverly drawn them on. For the mouth I used PVA glue and orange poster paint which I carefully applied around the lips to give a fuller look. Please take a look at the before and after photo's and see how I have turned a rather 'Plain Jane' into something a bit special.

 

       
                                                                                      

I do hope this helps, Jenny, and look forward to seeing an improvement soon. Molly X.

Hi Molly, How are you? Could you please help me with choosing an outfit for my son’s wedding in April. I am sixty three years old and forty nine stone. Thank you, Emily Bishop.

Dear Emily, Thank you for your photograph. I am pleased to say that your body resembles a cauliflower. In general what I think would look great on you would be some classic horizontal stripes in plum or lime green and a turban. Due to the size of your head, which is disproportionate to the rest of you, I suggest backcomb, backcomb, backcomb hair all the way leaving no clue that you have a pinhead. However, I do see that your hair is rather fine so a good wig or some straw should sort that out. Dress it up with a tiara or some tinsel, really go for it! You want to look your best for your son’s wedding so I have used Katie to model again in a fetching yet understated outfit in satin pink to give you some inspiration. I also found a wig in a joke shop that I backcombed, hair sprayed and set but if you have your own feel free to spruce it up any which way you like.

 

 

 

I personally added a brown band around the head which I think looks nice. For the dress itself I recommend some extra small tights to hold in your wobble and a new body underneath the dress for that wow factor. Does this help, Emily? I do hope the person going as you enjoys their day and brings you back some nibbles, with love Molly X.

14. Trolls! Ugly, dirty, nuisances and not the lovable ones that hide under bridges and eat kids. I have been on the end of a ‘trolls’ nastiness on my Instagram site. It was a bit shocking and rather amusing to be honest. A bit shocking as one minute this young lady was saying how much she loved me and the next I am a bitch and I can’t draw. Can’t draw indeed! Does she think I am real?! I must admit I did have a little chuckle thinking about her sitting in her room thinking what naughtiness she could cause and then coming out with, ‘molly, u r bitch. I HATE U u bitch!. Ur so fucking annoying and ur bloody shit at drawing. And every1 no’s it bitch,’ Well, what is a fungus supposed to do? So I set a real troll on her and watched in glee as she was munched up, digested and then shat out, love her! Hopefully she will be reincarnated into something a little more pleasant, like a fly.

I had a terrifying experience this week after watching this wonderfully creepy short film directed by the magnificent Jeffrey Reddick, creator of the Final Destination franchise. Good Samaritan is a haunting film focusing on the inactions of a young man after watching a brutal killing. The aftermath of his guilty mind makes for a highly tense and creepy viewing sensation. It was one that had me watching with the sound down and through half closed eyes due to being a big wet sponge of fungal matter who jumps at the sight of a flea hopping onto his mate to procreate. I recommend it highly.

I had a wonderful message from a man called Alex last week who does not quite get the concept of how Ask Molly Mushroom works. I will try and be clear about how one should approach me. You can ask me anything you like whether it is a simple question or a problem that you need help with. You will not get a response straight away as a lot of the time I am doing photo-shoot’s and meeting real and not so real celebs and members of the general public. However, I try not to disappoint so I gave it a jolly good go. Here is what I had to work with:

Alex: Come on Molly give me some advice.

Molly: Well, ask me something then.

A couple of days later…

Alex: Where is my female advice?

Molly: You haven’t asked what advice you want.

Alex: Need your advice or barb. Feeling a bit low.

It then went on to say about not hearing from her etc. so I assuming that it is about a girl who has not replied to texts. Alex, you need to be clearer if you want a detailed response to your problem. Anyway, ever the professional I will give you some. Stuff her!

She is either not interested or playing a silly game by wanting you to chase her and when you have nearly got her she will run again. Daft if you ask me. My friend, Penelope, treated a young creature like this once and ended up starring in the film Freaks. The silly girl kept running up to a wasps nest and teasing the young insect inside the hive she had her eye on and then running away. (You must remember that I am only nearly two inches tall, and my friend, Penelope, is half insect and the same height as myself.)Anyway, he soon got so fed up that one day he waited for her to sneak up to the hive, stuck out his bottom and poked her in her eye with his sting causing her eyeball to deflate instantly which made her head concave. How we laughed.

I suggest, Alex, that you move on to someone who is both interested and does not like to play silly games. With love, Molly X

Dear molly Mushroom, you are hot! What I want to know is what are your favourite films? Love, Sammy from London

Ooh I love these type of questions. I have quite a few to be honest. A nightmare on Elm Street is one. I saw it when I was just a little spore and I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? No you’ll be fat, you’ll see! Now where was I? This film scared the living gills out of me. One of my favourite lines being, ‘Hey Tina, watch this!’ and then that naughty little Freddy Krueger chopping his own finger off. What a loon! All that cackling and being chased in boiler rooms, goodness me what a horror. Another favourite is Mary Poppins. Yes I know! Quite a contrast but then I am Molly Mushroom so what do you expect? I also love Educating Rita, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Rosemary’s Baby, Harold and Maude, Wolf Creek, Overboard and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. An eclectic mix to be sure but simply marvellous in every which way. Tra la la, Molly X