14. Trolls! Ugly, dirty, nuisances and not the lovable ones that hide under bridges and eat kids. I have been on the end of a ‘trolls’ nastiness on my Instagram site. It was a bit shocking and rather amusing to be honest. A bit shocking as one minute this young lady was saying how much she loved me and the next I am a bitch and I can’t draw. Can’t draw indeed! Does she think I am real?! I must admit I did have a little chuckle thinking about her sitting in her room thinking what naughtiness she could cause and then coming out with, ‘molly, u r bitch. I HATE U u bitch!. Ur so fucking annoying and ur bloody shit at drawing. And every1 no’s it bitch,’ Well, what is a fungus supposed to do? So I set a real troll on her and watched in glee as she was munched up, digested and then shat out, love her! Hopefully she will be reincarnated into something a little more pleasant, like a fly.

I had a terrifying experience this week after watching this wonderfully creepy short film directed by the magnificent Jeffrey Reddick, creator of the Final Destination franchise. Good Samaritan is a haunting film focusing on the inactions of a young man after watching a brutal killing. The aftermath of his guilty mind makes for a highly tense and creepy viewing sensation. It was one that had me watching with the sound down and through half closed eyes due to being a big wet sponge of fungal matter who jumps at the sight of a flea hopping onto his mate to procreate. I recommend it highly.

I had a wonderful message from a man called Alex last week who does not quite get the concept of how Ask Molly Mushroom works. I will try and be clear about how one should approach me. You can ask me anything you like whether it is a simple question or a problem that you need help with. You will not get a response straight away as a lot of the time I am doing photo-shoot’s and meeting real and not so real celebs and members of the general public. However, I try not to disappoint so I gave it a jolly good go. Here is what I had to work with:

Alex: Come on Molly give me some advice.

Molly: Well, ask me something then.

A couple of days later…

Alex: Where is my female advice?

Molly: You haven’t asked what advice you want.

Alex: Need your advice or barb. Feeling a bit low.

It then went on to say about not hearing from her etc. so I assuming that it is about a girl who has not replied to texts. Alex, you need to be clearer if you want a detailed response to your problem. Anyway, ever the professional I will give you some. Stuff her!

She is either not interested or playing a silly game by wanting you to chase her and when you have nearly got her she will run again. Daft if you ask me. My friend, Penelope, treated a young creature like this once and ended up starring in the film Freaks. The silly girl kept running up to a wasps nest and teasing the young insect inside the hive she had her eye on and then running away. (You must remember that I am only nearly two inches tall, and my friend, Penelope, is half insect and the same height as myself.)Anyway, he soon got so fed up that one day he waited for her to sneak up to the hive, stuck out his bottom and poked her in her eye with his sting causing her eyeball to deflate instantly which made her head concave. How we laughed.

I suggest, Alex, that you move on to someone who is both interested and does not like to play silly games. With love, Molly X

Dear molly Mushroom, you are hot! What I want to know is what are your favourite films? Love, Sammy from London

Ooh I love these type of questions. I have quite a few to be honest. A nightmare on Elm Street is one. I saw it when I was just a little spore and I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? No you’ll be fat, you’ll see! Now where was I? This film scared the living gills out of me. One of my favourite lines being, ‘Hey Tina, watch this!’ and then that naughty little Freddy Krueger chopping his own finger off. What a loon! All that cackling and being chased in boiler rooms, goodness me what a horror. Another favourite is Mary Poppins. Yes I know! Quite a contrast but then I am Molly Mushroom so what do you expect? I also love Educating Rita, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Rosemary’s Baby, Harold and Maude, Wolf Creek, Overboard and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. An eclectic mix to be sure but simply marvellous in every which way. Tra la la, Molly X