Molly Mushroom and the Promiscuous Pixies: Part 1.

      Molly Mushroom and the Promiscuous Pixies: Part 1

Molly Mushroom woke to a bright and sunny morning. She rubbed her tired knees, scratched her itchy bottom and went to take a shower. Her naughty sister, Morag, knew that it was shower day for Molly and had set a trap for her. What a shock Molly got when she turned on the taps, but nonetheless she washed under her ring and sang a little song as she did so.

Later, after Molly had got her heart rate back to normal, she began to spin with excitement. Mrs Mushroom was out getting her hair cut and a blow-job and Morag was concocting an experiment on her friend, Tilly Tenknickers, so she had the house to herself. How she loved the peace and quiet.

Suddenly a knock came at the door. Molly hiked her dress back on and froze.. When the knock came again she screamed. ‘Whoever could it be?’ she thought and then screamed again bellowing out a stream of obscenities. Pure filth tumbled out of her mouth as she opened the door and fixed her eyes upon the strangest little man she had ever seen.

‘Hello,’ she said, watching him curiously. ‘What can I do for you?’

‘I’m sorry but I seemed to have lost my way and I need to relieve myself,’ said the funny little fellow. He held his crotch and did a wiggle.

‘How do you mean?’ asked Molly, narrowing her eyes. She had witnessed her friend Freddie Fungus asking the same thing once and had never forgiven herself for giving him the go ahead, especially as she had caught him in the act.

‘I need to use your bathroom,’ squirmed the little pixie who was now rubbing himself up against the door. He had a horrible, bitter little face and Molly liked him immediately.

 ‘Yes, you may use the bathroom,’ said Molly, 'but do be careful as I have just been in there and the floor is wet. I never aim properly,' she giggled.

The pixie looked at her curiously then smiled a big toothy grin. ‘Of course,’ he said, showing Molly his rotten teeth. He then skipped up the stairs and made for the smell. He was gone a while before emerging with a satisfied look upon his face. He then thanked Molly for her kindness.

 Molly, after waiting patiently for the pixie to come out, dashed upstairs to make sure that he had left the bathroom as he had found it and could have kicked herself when she opened the door. The naughty little pixie hadn't needed to spend a penny at all. 'Ooh,' screamed Molly snapping on the marigolds before scrubbing the offending stain off the mirror. She then came out the bathroom, did a quick dance and tumbled down the stairs.

‘Are you alright?’ asked the pixie, shocked.

‘I was until I had to clean up the mess you left,’ replied Molly, angrily manipulating her arm back into its socket.

'I’m terribly sorry,’ he said, and then gave a low bow, wincing as he heard Molly’s neck snap back into place. ‘

‘It seems we have got off on the wrong foot,’ he carried on, trying not to give eye contact. ‘My name is Derrick. I am a Pixie and I live with my cousins in the woods. We are generous folk and I would like to… hello?’ Derrick snapped his fingers. ‘I would like to invite you round for tea.’

Molly began to spin with excitement. Derrick wondered what the matter was with the little mushroom. ‘Maybe she needs help?’ he thought. Luckily Molly was too busy spinning around the woods to have seen his worried expression. Finally Molly slowed down until she came to a stop. Her skin had shrivelled to that of a prune and she quickly gulped down some water to rehydrate her spores and ring. The two then made arrangements, Derrick conscious of his hands shaking with trepidation.

The following morning Molly woke and shouted WHORE at the top of her voice before putting on her new red dress with pride. It had white polka dots on it and she felt like a princess. She twirled in front of Mrs Mushroom, who was completely off her tits, and waited for a compliment. An hour later Molly stopped twirling for she was feeling sick and decided she would go and meet her new best friend, Derrick.

She soon saw him in the distance masturbating and  looking every bit as seedy and spiteful as he had the day before.

‘Ah, um hello there,’ he said. He then remembered that Molly didn’t seem to be quite right in the head so he spoke very slowly indeed so she would understand. ‘You. Made. It. then. Well done,’ he said, ‘Come and meet my cousins. They are very excited to meet you.’ He then put himself back in place and whistled.

Molly wondered why the repugnant little pixie was speaking to her like that. He  looked very silly indeed what with his permed hair and dirty features. She then phased out.

A minute later molly came out of her coma and wondered what the hell was going on. She had completely forgotten where she was and looked at Derrick in horror.

‘Ah, you’re back, said Derrick,  ‘Here they come?’

‘Here who come?’ asked Molly, and screamed.

Suddenly, from out of the undergrowth ambled four pixies, waving merrily. ‘Cooee, hiya, hello there, shit fuck bugger,’ they all said happily. And then one by one they introduced themselves.

‘I’m Hilda,’ said one with an enormous head. Molly stifled a giggle. ‘I am very pleased to meet you.’

‘And I’m Brian,’ said a revolting, underdeveloped pixie that physically turned her stomach.

‘I’m Daisy,’ burst out Daisy and did a long, wet fart.

‘And I’m Colin,’ said Colin who shuffled uncomfortably. Molly observed he had the biggest lunch box she had ever seen and simply couldn’t keep her eyes off it, especially as they kept falling out.

‘Oh, they are hideous, are they inbred?’ cried Molly, gleefully after getting over the shock. ‘Can I touch one?’ She went over to Brian and patted him on his head. Brian bit her immediately. ‘Cheeky,’ said Molly.

'That will probably go septic,' mentioned Derrick, looking at the nasty gash that was now seeping blood.

Molly laughed and did a little spin. She then went over to Colin and tucked him back in  safely before placing her hand on Hilda’s forehead. ‘I think you look nice,’ she said, and nodded sincerely while Hilda looked away uncomfortably. A tumbleweed skimmed past.

The pixies then bound and gagged her before taking her graciously back to their funny home set in a tree trunk. A short while later they arrived.

‘Why, is this where you live?’ said Molly, after ripping the duct tape from her eyes and mouth. She had never been inside a tree trunk before. She looked about her curiously and then dive bombed Brian for fun.

‘Help me,’ he screamed, waving his arms and legs in the air.

‘Yes we all live here,’ said Derrick, before reaching down to remove him from under Molly’s clown feet. The tiny pixie was completely squashed and would need intensive surgery to get him looking like his old self again.

‘Go and have a look around while we make you tea,’ said Hilda, touching herself. Molly felt in awe of the little pixie with the big head and found herself blushing.

While the pixies prepared the tea Molly explored the strange home. She was enchanted by the mouldy walls and damp furnishings and gasped in delight as she discovered a nest of cockroaches. When she had finished nosing about, stealing a lovely necklace from Daisy’s jewellery box and taking a bath, tea was ready. There were apple pies and  jam sandwiches, ginger beer and lard and at the top of the table a huge bowl of Iceland’s finest sausage rolls made with three percent unidentifiable meat. Molly tucked a corner of the tablecloth into her dress and began t gobble up the food. She got terrible indigestion and let out an almighty burp.

‘That was lovely, thank you so much,’ said Molly who then burped again. Standing up, and forgetting she still had the tablecloth tucked into her dress, she tipped the entire contents of the table on Brian. The poor, ugly little pixie lay unconscious before being found by Hilda, who momentarily got her head stuck in Colin’s groin. How Molly laughed. ‘Adorable,’ she muttered and clasped her hands together.

When finally the table was put right and Brian airlifted to hospital Molly thought it would be nice to tell the pixies a bit about her. The pixies were not interested in the slightest and wanted the little mushroom to leave immediately. However, Molly did not stop talking. On and on she went,  even dribbling at one point due to forgetting to swallow. Finally the pixies had had enough and Derrick physically threw her out slamming the door behind him. He quickly locked and bolted it while the others scrambled about shutting windows and closing curtains hysterically. They then turned all the lights out and hid under the table, quivering.

Outside, Molly picked herself up, dusted herself down and then knocked on the door. No one answered. ‘They must have gone out,’ she thought and shrugged. She tried the door again unaware of them shaking with fear inside. ‘No,’ she said to herself, ‘definitely out.’ Molly gave one last knock before lighting a fire cracker and stuffing through the letterbox before trundling off back home, singing at the top of her voice.

Later that night, after the pixies had put out the fire and disinfected their home, they  swore that they would never invite anyone around again. They were traumatised!

Molly, who was now safely tucked up in bed, thought about her day and how splendid it had been. ‘I really am a lucky spore,’ she said to herself before falling fast asleep.

What Molly did not know was that pixies had magical powers and they did not take kindly to thieves.  They knew Molly had stolen the necklace as they had seen her waving it about on their CCTV system before putting it in her knickers.

Oh dear, I wonder what will happen to that Molly Mushroom when the pixies get hold of her?

You will have to wait for the next instalment of Molly Mushroom and the Promiscuous Pixies: Part 2  to find out.

 No pixies were hurt during the writing of this story.

17. Dear all, Molly here. What a lovely bright day it is today here in sunny London. The sky is blue, the birds are singing and I am feeling light and airy.

Unfortunately I only have time for one response this week so I have included a fun and educational wordsearch for you to do if you get the urge. Let’s get on with it!

 

Dear Molly Mushroom, I am incredibly sad as I have just lost my cat who I had for nearly twenty years. My life feels empty and I have a numbness which does not seem to go. Basically I am an emotional wreck. I miss her so much. Please, do you have any advice? Yours, Alison.

 

Dear Alison, I am so sad to hear about your loss. You have lost a member of your family and what you are doing is grieving. Your cat has seen you through twenty years of your life and twenty years of hers. She has been with you from ups and downs and has supported you with cuddles and love. Some people believe that cats are distant and only need you to feed them. This is not the case. Most cats are incredibly loyal and sulk if their owners leave them for a while. (The people who abandon them and other animals are just scum!) Your cat has provided comfort and safety and deserves to missed as much as she is. However, I can feel that your heart has broken and this is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Have you tried speaking to someone who understands what you are going through? A friend who recognises the importance the relationship you and your cat had.

I will be honest with you and state that what you are feeling will take time to get over and there will always be a sadness that you have when you think back. However there will also be times when you look back and smile and remember her as a kitten, or scratching your favourite sofa, or bringing in the odd dead animal, or whacking you in the face when she wanted to be fed when you needed that well deserved lie in… the list goes on. What you must remember is that you will not feel so emotionally bereft forever.

There are millions of people who have had to see their pet grow from a littleun right until the very end where they have held their paw and seen them drift away. This can be and usually is incredibly traumatic.

Alison, if you feel that you cannot express your grief to someone close to you then you could go to your local vets and ask them if they have information on places that can help you with grief specially suited  with the loss of a pet.

I really do feel for you, Alison, and wish you lots of love, Molly X

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would like to add that I have come across people who do not favour animals or who simply do not understand the bond that can be formed between animal and human. If you are one of these people please try and consider the feelings others and not blurt out, ‘It’s only a dog/cat.’ Or ‘Just get another one.’ You may not have the ability to understand or empathise but there is no need to be an asshole.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                      WORDSEARCH (Both fun and educational!)

 

How many words can you find?

 

 



 

 

16. Hello chicken fillets. I hope you are having a wonderful day and that all your dreams have come true (if they are legal). I have had a turbulent week. It started off with someone taking offence to last weeks post and writing a very angry email stating that I must have been joking about using twigs for eyelashes (I sincerely do not joke about such things!) as she tried it out when seducing her husband one evening ending up with him being rushed to A&E with what looked like a birds nest protruding from his genitalia. I asked her how many twigs she had used and she admitted ‘rather a lot.’ I asked what rather a lot was and she then sent a picture. I promised that I would not show it and Molly always keeps her promises, however tempting it would be. However, I do have some serious concerns regarding some people’s sanity. So if you are reading this, Peggy Pushpram from Wembertinkerton, just be careful you don't find yourself in a padded room!

I had a mixed reaction to my post last week with some of you thanking me for my top tips, fashion and makeup advice, and some of you, let's just say, not so keen. Thank you, Maybe Itsmaybalene for suggesting I stick to what I know! Pot, kettle and black ring a bell?

I decided to give two very different points of view to last week's addition as I think it is important to show both sides. So without werther-a-riginal let's get to it.

For:

My name is Felicity Bainbridge and I found Molly’s beauty and fashion tips a must for the lady with limited time. After a few tries of lowering my head onto the false eyelashes I am now able to do it standing on my head. This is a must for all of you who run a home, work full-time and still find enough time to pleasure your partner. I don’t know what I did before this incredible tip. I also particularly like the brown hairband as an accessory and wore one to my daughter’s wedding last weekend. I was beginning to panic as I had no idea what to wear but thanks to your suggestion, and your immaculate timing, I felt like a princess and have never had so much attention from men. Even the groom wanted a grope. Honestly, I have never been happier.

Thank you again, Molly Mushroom. I look forward to more of your fashion and beauty posts and please see picture below of my special day.

Dear Felicity, I am so pleased you were able to extract so many fantastic tips from last week’s post and it really shows that you took note and worked your look. I especially like the brown hairband and your big hair. It is amazing what you can achieve with a cheap, nylon wig. Well done you! Molly X

 Against:

I am thoroughly unimpressed with your ridiculous tips you have on fashion and beauty and wondered where such silly ideas came from? I attended my niece’s wedding last week and wanted to put together the similar outfit you suggested and have never been more humiliated. I used the same tip you recommended by mixing glue with paint for lipstick but both sets got stuck together. I didn’t have a pink dress and got so flustered that I panicked and didn't have time to put on any clothes whatsoever. Sadly I am not as lucky as my sister, who has long brown hair, and do not have access to wigs so I gathered dry grass up from the lawn and stapled that to my head which later went septic. Please do not give up your day job! Agatha Bainbridge.

Oh dear me, Agatha. You went to your niece’s wedding nude? Shame on you! Now I must fly as I am extremely busy, Molly X

Molly's Beauty Tips.

15.

 

 

Good day to you fine people and welcome to Molly Mushroom’s Ask Molly Mushroom. I am dedicating this week’s post to fashion and beauty. I get a lot of emails asking about where I buy my dresses and get my hair done so I thought I would share it with you. I have already posted my beauty regime on an earlier blog but have now decided to explain how to look great like I do. It is not so easy as I make it look so with a few Molly tricks of the trade and help from my stylists and hair technician you can look as good as me.  I will give you the information and how to transform even the plainest of people.

Water, water and more water plus sleep and laughter are my tricks of the trade so let’s get on with some of your questions

One of the things I am most likely to be asked is how should one apply false eyelashes. If I had a penny for every time I was asked that I would be one rich spore. The trick is to use either fresh false eyelashes or old ones that are thoroughly clean. My old gran used to leave hers overnight in a glass with her false teeth. Nowadays there are easier solutions to use such as toilet bleach or by putting them in a freezer overnight. If you do not have any false eyelashes and you are wanting to dazzle, dare I recommend twigs as a substitute? Controversial I know but they really do work. Simply cut the twig to size, get some super glue and stick it to your upper and lower lids.

Top tip: If you find it tricky applying false eyelashes simply place them curl facing down on your dressing table, apply glue to the edges, open your eyes as wide as you can and lower you face onto them. This is great if you are in a rush or don’t have hands.

Dear Molly Mushroom. I am a very plain girl with slightly rancid eyes and a pot belly. I was wondering if you have any tricks to open my eyes up and to apply my make up properly. Thank you, Jenny.

Hi Jenny, I am going to give you a step by step guide on how to apply makeup so that you do not look the way you do. Please see below with my plain model, Katie.

I hope it helps.

What you can see here is that I swept the blusher over the cheekbones and applied a dark brown to enhance the pallor of the skin tone. This is great for both the daytime and evening wear and you can always apply more! I subtly enhanced the eyebrows to give shape to Katie’s rather unfortunate face and blended in so they give a natural effect. We did not have any false eyelashes to hand so what I cleverly used instead was an eyeliner pen. If you look closely you can just about see that I have cleverly drawn them on. For the mouth I used PVA glue and orange poster paint which I carefully applied around the lips to give a fuller look. Please take a look at the before and after photo's and see how I have turned a rather 'Plain Jane' into something a bit special.

 

       
                                                                                      

I do hope this helps, Jenny, and look forward to seeing an improvement soon. Molly X.

Hi Molly, How are you? Could you please help me with choosing an outfit for my son’s wedding in April. I am sixty three years old and forty nine stone. Thank you, Emily Bishop.

Dear Emily, Thank you for your photograph. I am pleased to say that your body resembles a cauliflower. In general what I think would look great on you would be some classic horizontal stripes in plum or lime green and a turban. Due to the size of your head, which is disproportionate to the rest of you, I suggest backcomb, backcomb, backcomb hair all the way leaving no clue that you have a pinhead. However, I do see that your hair is rather fine so a good wig or some straw should sort that out. Dress it up with a tiara or some tinsel, really go for it! You want to look your best for your son’s wedding so I have used Katie to model again in a fetching yet understated outfit in satin pink to give you some inspiration. I also found a wig in a joke shop that I backcombed, hair sprayed and set but if you have your own feel free to spruce it up any which way you like.

 

 

 

I personally added a brown band around the head which I think looks nice. For the dress itself I recommend some extra small tights to hold in your wobble and a new body underneath the dress for that wow factor. Does this help, Emily? I do hope the person going as you enjoys their day and brings you back some nibbles, with love Molly X.

14. Trolls! Ugly, dirty, nuisances and not the lovable ones that hide under bridges and eat kids. I have been on the end of a ‘trolls’ nastiness on my Instagram site. It was a bit shocking and rather amusing to be honest. A bit shocking as one minute this young lady was saying how much she loved me and the next I am a bitch and I can’t draw. Can’t draw indeed! Does she think I am real?! I must admit I did have a little chuckle thinking about her sitting in her room thinking what naughtiness she could cause and then coming out with, ‘molly, u r bitch. I HATE U u bitch!. Ur so fucking annoying and ur bloody shit at drawing. And every1 no’s it bitch,’ Well, what is a fungus supposed to do? So I set a real troll on her and watched in glee as she was munched up, digested and then shat out, love her! Hopefully she will be reincarnated into something a little more pleasant, like a fly.

I had a terrifying experience this week after watching this wonderfully creepy short film directed by the magnificent Jeffrey Reddick, creator of the Final Destination franchise. Good Samaritan is a haunting film focusing on the inactions of a young man after watching a brutal killing. The aftermath of his guilty mind makes for a highly tense and creepy viewing sensation. It was one that had me watching with the sound down and through half closed eyes due to being a big wet sponge of fungal matter who jumps at the sight of a flea hopping onto his mate to procreate. I recommend it highly.

I had a wonderful message from a man called Alex last week who does not quite get the concept of how Ask Molly Mushroom works. I will try and be clear about how one should approach me. You can ask me anything you like whether it is a simple question or a problem that you need help with. You will not get a response straight away as a lot of the time I am doing photo-shoot’s and meeting real and not so real celebs and members of the general public. However, I try not to disappoint so I gave it a jolly good go. Here is what I had to work with:

Alex: Come on Molly give me some advice.

Molly: Well, ask me something then.

A couple of days later…

Alex: Where is my female advice?

Molly: You haven’t asked what advice you want.

Alex: Need your advice or barb. Feeling a bit low.

It then went on to say about not hearing from her etc. so I assuming that it is about a girl who has not replied to texts. Alex, you need to be clearer if you want a detailed response to your problem. Anyway, ever the professional I will give you some. Stuff her!

She is either not interested or playing a silly game by wanting you to chase her and when you have nearly got her she will run again. Daft if you ask me. My friend, Penelope, treated a young creature like this once and ended up starring in the film Freaks. The silly girl kept running up to a wasps nest and teasing the young insect inside the hive she had her eye on and then running away. (You must remember that I am only nearly two inches tall, and my friend, Penelope, is half insect and the same height as myself.)Anyway, he soon got so fed up that one day he waited for her to sneak up to the hive, stuck out his bottom and poked her in her eye with his sting causing her eyeball to deflate instantly which made her head concave. How we laughed.

I suggest, Alex, that you move on to someone who is both interested and does not like to play silly games. With love, Molly X

Dear molly Mushroom, you are hot! What I want to know is what are your favourite films? Love, Sammy from London

Ooh I love these type of questions. I have quite a few to be honest. A nightmare on Elm Street is one. I saw it when I was just a little spore and I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? No you’ll be fat, you’ll see! Now where was I? This film scared the living gills out of me. One of my favourite lines being, ‘Hey Tina, watch this!’ and then that naughty little Freddy Krueger chopping his own finger off. What a loon! All that cackling and being chased in boiler rooms, goodness me what a horror. Another favourite is Mary Poppins. Yes I know! Quite a contrast but then I am Molly Mushroom so what do you expect? I also love Educating Rita, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Rosemary’s Baby, Harold and Maude, Wolf Creek, Overboard and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. An eclectic mix to be sure but simply marvellous in every which way. Tra la la, Molly X

13. Yo bitches. It’s me – Molly Mushroom. How the bloody hell are you? I have a new strategy in life that I have only just started and it is this. I have three things that I ask myself in the morning and by the end of the day I answer them. I call it Molly’s Power of Three. They consist of:

1.What I found funny?

2.What I found inspirational?

3.What I learnt?

I then write them down in a queer little book my Great Aunt Brenda gave me and keep it tucked away in my knicker drawer as I know that is the only place my tramp of a sister, Morag, daren’t go. One day I think I will publish them as some of the things I get to see and hear would make a whore blush.

 

Last night I had the misfortune of meeting Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory at the annual Clap Clinic award ceremony where my friend, Germalina the Germ, won best spreader.This man is a  filthy toad, an imposter and resembles none of the  characteristics of the man you see on the programme. He is a complete fiend and one that I do not want to encounter again. He battered his eyelashes at me, flashed his bottom and then did the aeroplane. He then practically assaulted me while trying to get a photograph  which I reluctantly  took part in. If you look below I think you can tell that I was not happy.

 

 

 

I only received one email this week from a wonderful and brave young man so without further a poo…

Dear Molly Mushroom, please help. I am a young heterosexual man. I have noticed that over the past year I have developed a problem with eating. I am obsessed with my weight and constantly weighing myself worrying whether I have put any on. I have found myself purging at least twice a day getting rid of food that I have gorged myself on. I am aware that I have some kind of problem but find it difficult to accept it. I am writing this in a somewhat numb state of mind because I do not want to acknowledge it but know something needs to be done. I am obsessed with being able to get my fist under my ribs and feeling my collar bone to see how bony it is. Please help, Anon 19 years old.

 Dear Anon, thank you so much for contacting me and opening up about an issue that you find difficult to acknowledge. It can be very difficult for a young man to accept that he has an eating disorder and even more difficult to tell anyone. However, with drastic and quick weight loss your nearest and dearest may start to suspect there may be a problem.

What you are telling me is that you consider yourself to have an eating disorder and from what you have said it sounds like bulimia. By contacting me and opening up about your fears you have begun the process of working through it, so well done.

Bulimia nervosa can be life-threatening disorder characterized by recurrent episodes of binge eating followed by self-induced vomiting or other purging methods. These include laxatives, excessive exercise and fasting to prevent weight gain. It sounds to me that you are intensely afraid of gaining weight and dissatisfied with your body and appearance. This is a very delicate matter and I do not want to say that you do have bulimia, however I may suggest that you need to be very careful becoming so obsessed with losing weight and purging. The behaviour you are displaying to me suggests that you should contact your GP and explain the situation.

You may find that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is beneficial and is the most widely used model of practice for people with eating disorders. This can also support you with your obsessional behaviour and how to deal with situations you find difficult.

 

Above I stated that bulimia is a life threatening condition. People who suffer with bulimia find that they suffer with these side-effects from purging/making themselves sick. They include teeth becoming soft and crumbly due to the stomach acid wearing away the enamel, problems with the esophagus (the tube which connects the mouth to the stomach) bad breath, hair loss, irregular heartbeat, constipation, fatigue and osteoporosis amongst many other problems associated with bulimia. What you are doing is denying your body of essential nutrients. It is easy for someone to say to the abuser the harm they are doing to their body but very different for the self-harmer to

Bulimia can be a way of control when other things in your life are going wayward. Is this happening to you? Can you find a pattern to your purging. Are there specific times or occasions when you are sick? Is there a feeling of power you get after doing it? If this is so then it could be a way for you to take control over your life where other parts of you feel powerless? Do you suffer with low self-esteem or have comments been made to you by important persons in your life when you were younger influencing your mental state of mind?

I do recommend you find someone to talk to about this issue as it can become incredibly dangerous even ending in death.

Here are some websites below who you can contact. I wish you all the best and hope that you seek help. Love Molly X

https://www.google.co.uk/#q=mens+health+bulimia

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx

 

12. Hello, howdy, good day and now fuck off. Oh I’m only teasing. I love to hear from you and all your funny problems. Some I can relate to and others are just off the wall. I love it! What an extraordinary week I have had. I was thrilled to hear about Friends reuniting for a one off special and was even more thrilled to be asked to take Matthew Perry's character, Chandler, as he has been incinerated. If you look closely at the photo I posted on Instagram and Twitter you will see that it is in fact me, Molly Mushroom, dressed up as him and not Chandler, himself. The magic of makeup! (I am on the far right by the way.) I was asked why Courtney Cox had a needle sticking out her forehead in the picture and all I can say is that it is none of our business.

I have desperately exciting news to tell you. I am thrilled to announce that I have finally got the hang of how to do a selfie. If you compare the two pictures below you can see the difference immediately. I am proud to say that I can now, like every teenage girl in the world, resemble a stunned trout.

First attempt.      When I decided to join a dating agency.                                                                                                               

My hundreth attempt. Cool hey!

 

 

 

 

Molly, hello, how are you? I just wanted to write to you and let you know that I am a big fan. You’re cool! I was just wondering if you have any good jokes? Steve, Plymouth

What did saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? ‘If we don't get some support soon people are going to think we’re nuts.’ Love Molly X

 

Dear Molly, I have just recently had some good luck and sold some of my paintings in an exhibition. I am thrilled with this as I have never sold anything before. The problem is this: I have a couple of friends who, although said they are happy, keep making snide and subtle comments suggesting that my paintings are not that good. They are also artists and do have some luck in selling their work but not a great deal. I’m feeling a bit deflated now as I feel like I deserve some good luck but sad that my friends are behaving like this towards me. What have I done? Gill, Farnborough.

 Hi Gill and thank you for your email. It does seem to me that the green eyed monster has reared its ugly head and manipulated your friends feelings into that of resentment. To put it another way, I believe that it should have been your friends who emailed me to work out where their jealousy stems from and for me to give them a bollocking for their behaviour towards you. Success does funny things to people when they are the ones who do not get it. Not everyone takes it well. Things like this happen all the time in every circumstance: A friend gets a promotion, a friend has success in their business, a friend falls pregnant, a friend has amazing sex and multiple orgasms: the list goes on. Sadly people will always try and put you down and ruin it for you IF YOU LET THEM! Luckily, for you, as you seem like an intelligent person, you will not let this happen, recognise that it is them with an issue and wonder if you really want people in your life who fail to be happy with your wonderful and earned success. People do not like others to have what they cannot. Sad fact of life.

What I picked up on here was that you said ‘luck’. Why was it luck that you sold those paintings? You are suggesting that they were not sold on the merit that they are bloody brilliant and would be fought over in an auction. Your talent and you selling your work boils down to this: You are talented and people want to buy your work. Yes you were in the right place at the right time, but positivity and belief in yourself goes a long way. Love Molly X