4. Good early afternoon all and welcome to the fourth Ask Molly Mushroom. I would like to start off by thanking you for your emails and queries. I do seem to attract a lot of rather rude mail consisting of the strangest problems I have ever heard and I have enjoyed reading every single last one. A big hello to Romek and his dog, Theo. It is always a pleasure being licked so thoroughly although I did have to spend some time drying out in the tumble dryer. And again, thank you Paul for your experimental and rather interesting ideas. Unfortunately we are of different species so I think what you are requesting is a physical impossibility for me. What I would also do first, if I were in your position, would be to try it out on something that is soft, inanimate and at room temperature. Best of luck.

It has been an interesting week as I am currently in the process of being sued by someone who will remain nameless. This person, who we shall call Susan McCarthy, took all my advice in the popular ‘Feel Good with Molly Mushroom Affirmations’ and not only whipped her breasts out to all the nuns taking communion but also flashed her gash. I can only assume she is insane and borderline neurotic. On a good note I have been nominated for a ‘Fungal’. This prestigious award ceremony takes place every year and celebrates spores and other fungi. I won Mushroom of the Year and my dear friend, Penelope, won Spreading the Most Fungal Disease of the Foot award. She is mighty proud. Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you.

 

Hi Molly Mushroom, I love what you do and really enjoy seeing and hearing about your adventures. What I do want to know is, why do you always have a face like a smacked arse? Thanks, Stephen from Exeter.

Well how rude! Sometimes I think that if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything, unless asked of course.

 

Dear Molly, I would be very interested to know what beauty products you use. I am currently training to be a beautician and would like to invent or make up my own products using only organic ingredients. I know you are environmentally aware and against animal testing so any ideas would be greatly appreciated, Sandra

 Hi there Sandra, and thank you for your incredibly kind words. Firstly I do need to be careful of using too much water due to my flesh absorbing it. If this is the case I inflate like a balloon.  That actually happened to me last week when I went on holiday with Paris Hilton. She pushed me in the swimming pool at the Playboy mansion and I soaked up all the water and had to be air-lifted out. I am currently keeping a low profile as I heard on the grapevine that they are now after my spores for testing. I object to my DNA being used for panty-liners or nappies. The indignity!

Going back to my complexion. I always keep my face moisturised whether it’s a good moisturising factor 30 (my preference) or anything that keeps my face nice and smooth. My sister once told me to use margarine, the bitch, and I had to be quarantined as they thought I was contagious. What had actually happened was the margarine had blocked my pores and I burst out into pimples. I also believe that plenty of sleep, a healthy diet and exercise gives you that certain Je Ne Sais Quoi. I also try to make sure I’m in bed nice and early so I get my beauty sleep. Sometimes I can sleep for over twenty four hours and usually wake up dusty and in front of the front door. My mother has used me as a draft excluder , double bitch!

I like to use natural ingredients on my face. As a face mask I use egg-white whipped up to a frenzy. I smother it all over my face until I resemble a meringue and leave it until it dries. I have also been known to mash up a banana or avocado and smear it all over myself. I will not tell you what my friend, Freddie Fungus, uses but his skin is as soft as cream. For a facial scrub I place some olive oil, coffee granules, granulated sugar and honey in a small pot. I gently apply this to my buoyant skin and rub in gently. How fresh and blotchy I look when it is removed.

Other ideas you could try are tapioca, oven cleaner, baked beans on toast or simply apply a paper bag over the offending head.

I do hope this has helped you, Sandra, and if you need any more advice please maybe think about the profession you are going into and maybe change it? Just a thought. With love, Molly X

 What do you think of Tom Cruise and his religion ( cult ),' Scientology' ?

I have to say, like any religion, I believe that it is a form of control and can be very destructive. I am also aware that it can be incredibly beneficial to people and also give a sense of belonging. In the UK it is not recognised as a religion and, personally, I can kind of see why. In all fairness people have the right to choose what they want to believe in whatever other people percieve it to be. However, I totally disagree when people are involved against their will, especially children who have no say in the matter. I did read recently that Tom, and his wife at the time, ignored their child when she was screaming in another room. However, I was not there so cannot comment. If this is so then I feel it is wrong, and not only because I cannot stand the sound of high pitched screeching. Children need comfort and reassurance. My speculation is that babies and children left to resolve their own issues on a regular basis could very well grow up with attachment issues that will be difficult to resolve in later life.  A lot of research has gone into Attachment Theory and if you would like to read more about it then see the link at the bottom of this topic.

I think that Scientology is another form of herding people like cattle and shaping them into whatever the founders’ belief is whether it is a cult or a religion.

Why are there so many wars? Why do people feel the need to control and do anything in their power to do so? The religious books, so many people abide by, are a well written piece of fiction. They are there to be enjoyed, to give hope and help people find spirituality and love. Sadly they also control and dictate. Look at how much homophobia is spread due to religious beliefs and stories. Wouldn’t it be smashing to allow the existence of others without prejudice? Look how Sodom and Gomorrah is widely overlooked. Religion should be about tolerance and living together whatever the race, culture, gender or sexuality.

Going back to Scientology. Now, what I know about this ‘religion/cult’ is the belief that people are immortal alien beings called Thetans. Thetans are trapped on earth in a human body form who have forgotten their true nature and are trapped on earth. (I’m just so pleased I am of the fungal variety). Thetans, according to the scientology theory, have led numerous lives and on other planets. Scientologists believe that each Thetan has lived many past lives. If you pay money to the Church of Scientology people can free themselves of their human form and reclaim their true selves. Isn’t that nice? I wonder if they have a place for a little mushroom?

As I say, like any religion, it is totally up to the individual on what they believe. If it helps then what can be bad about that? Just don’t let it dictate how you spread your wonderfulness and stop you from enjoying your life and who you are. Be spiritual, be good, give love and respect and accept yourself. Regards, Molly X

www.scientology.org

http://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

P.S. I have just been told by my good friend, Germalina, that oven cleaner does not work. She tried it once and she melted.

 

 

3. Good early evening and welcome again to Ask Molly Mushroom’s third instalment. I do hope that you are all well and have had a lovely day. If not then I recommend a stiff drink while listening to Molly Mushroom’s Feel Good Affirmations. These affirmations have helped people worldwide and are listened to by the likes of Ken Dodd and Pamela Ewing. They really are jolly good.

Firstly, I would like to acknowledge the horrendous and pointless attacks that have been going on around the world including the abhorrent crimes that have been happening in Paris. I was truly shocked and devastated to hear what these ‘people’ have done and am truly saddened to hear and see the outcomes of their cowardice and despicable crimes. It breaks my heart to think that some people are so horrendously brainwashed and extremist that they could carry out this sort of thing. I wish everyone involved in this hideous state of events love and love and more love.

Thank you all for your letters and emails. Keep them coming! It is of regret that I can't be bothered am unable to correspond with everyone, and some a relief! You know who you are, you dirty boy! It has also been a rather trying time for me due to being serenaded by the one and only Barry Manilow. It was one of the most disturbing things that has ever happened to me, what with his knobbly knees and quaffed hair. I just pray the publicity photos do not see the light of day. Saying that, the whole story will soon be on YouTube so be sure not to miss it. Anyway, enough of me, here’s over to you.

 

 

Good evening Molly, as the miraculous fungus specialist that you are, I wondered if you could be so kind as to help me with my very itchy and irritating problem. Do you recommend any thrush busting remedies? I’ve tried the regular pessaries and canestan creams but they have not worked. Are there any other treatments that could help? I heard on the thrush vine that aloe vera can help but would like to hear it from the mouth of a specialist. Here’s hoping you can help with my problem and fast before my flu fly’s away.

Yours kindly Itchy Irna 

 Hello Irna, Molly here to help you with that itch of yours. I am aware that you wrote to me a week ago so I am wondering what state it is in now or even if there is any point in replying to you, ha ha. Has your flu flown away? Surely we would have seen it. I also want to thank you for the flattery but I’m afraid it will get you nowhere. I am indeed an expert in everything fungal and consider myself a knowledgeable spore, especially considering half of my extended family are of the ‘jock itch’ variety. Those cheeky chaps know how to have a good time, I’m telling you! Now, I am assuming that you have smothered yourself and eaten your weight in live yogurt? This has proven to combat that rather unpleasant and contagious infection you have. If I were you I would use something with a pleasant smell to it, something like plum or raspberry. My advice is to smother yourself in it and leave it on for seventy eight hours. As my old Gran used to say before we opened our Christmas presents, ‘A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,’ which always helped us through those sticky moments and hard times. How wise and just she was. As you are probably aware, thrush is a yeast infection that can affect the vagina, the penis and if you’re really unlucky both at the same time. You can also get it orally. Now, you say that you have tried pessaries (are you also incontinent? Do you have a partner?) and that the canesten cream didn’t work. What worries me is that you may have got confused with canderel? I once had a friend who made that mistake and she grew a whole farm down below in a matter of minutes. Keep away from marmite and breads.

Other remedies include sitting in a bath of spaghetti hoops, sticking your head in manure and shaving your pubic hair off and sticking it on your upper, upper lip.

If you honestly have found that none of these have worked then I really do recommend you pop down to a pharmacist in the next town to you and talk to them about your problem. You could also wear a disguise to make doubly sure your, shall we say, condition, is not spread like wild fire around your community. May I recommend a Molly Mushroom costume that you can hire out at most good fancy dress shops. Also Ann Summers have just put out a Molly Mushroom maid, limited edition, outfit but be careful as it can apparently chafe and we don’t want that now do we?

For more information about thrush please check out this website http://www.fpa.org.uk/sexually-transmitted-infections-stis-help/thrush-and-bacterial-vaginosis

I do wish you well, Irna, and hope that your condition clears up before you find yourself on the deli counter. With love, Molly X

P.S. Please be aware that thrush is not an STI.

 

Name three things that annoy you? Harry

 Only three, Harry? Generally I try not to get annoyed with things but sometimes I can feel my spores boiling over and it is then that I worry I will be in danger of being mistaken for a hydrated Cup-a-Soup. There are many things that annoy me and most of them involve the inconsiderateness of people’s behaviour and disgusting habits such as spitting. This, what some people think of as acceptable but is in fact repugnant, behaviour makes me want to shed my outer skin and wash my annulus thoroughly. The way certain people make that revolting sound and then ‘flob’ on a pavement in view of all makes me want to spit very angry indeed. Revolting, disgusting, filthy habit.

Another thing that gets my goat is people driving around in their big, flashy cars, windows down playing their music at top level thinking themselves cool. ‘Pssst’, I want to say to them. ‘You look like a nob!’

One of the main things that, not only annoy but sadden me greatly, is how some people are so intolerant and of closed mind. I think some of the reasons this happens is due to the vulnerability of the person or where they can be brainwashed. A good example is of the awful happenings in Paris last week and the on-going terrorism attacks on innocent people around the world. I will never project hate onto these ‘people’ who disrupt so many, though it is tempting. What they did was abhorrent and unforgivable. It is important to try and understand them. To get to the core of their behaviour. Knowledge is power. Instead I will wish for peace and project love and freedom onto every living thing that exists.

Other things that annoy me are laziness, neglect, inequality, people who fly-tip, drop litter, bully, follow the crowd, live lives through someone else’s, martyrs, and Maria Carey fans. (She once told me, on a photo-shoot that she wanted to chop me up and put me in a quiche. Bitch!)

I think I might have to do my ‘Feel Good Affirmations’ now to calm down.

Farewell all and I look forward to next week’s edition of Ask Molly Mushroom. X

Email me your problems or questions at askmollymushroom@yahoo.com

2.  Hello, this is Molly Mushroom, lover of hopscotch and dribbling. Another good early evening to you and welcome to my second ‘Ask Molly Mushroom’ blog. I do so hope you have had a good day. It has not been a good week for me to be honest and it is all down to those naughty Teletubbies and their bad influence.  It started off with all four of them flashing their goods at me. I thought “I am not standing for this” so I flashed them back and watched the colour drain swiftly from their faces. The entire episode ended with all five of us being arrested for indecent exposure. During this time Tinky Winky’s television had malfunctioned so he transferred the ‘adult’ repeats of Dynasty into Laa-Laa’s box while Po exposed his ‘tinky winky’ to all and sundry.  I was then double-dared by Laa-Laa to moon in the window at the Women’s Guild but slipped and dislocated my neck, and Dipsy got so tipsy he vomited heartily. How we laughed! Then the police arrived, covered Laa-Laa’s box wih a blanket and bundled us all into a police van. After a few nights in a police cell my mother, Mrs Mushroom, decided to pay my bail and I was grounded for the rest of the week. Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you and get down to business.

Dear Molly Mushroom, I am very embarrassed about a problem that I have got and don’t know who to turn to. I am a seventeen year old lad and am studying at college. I am good looking and am popular with my mates and girls. This is not the problem. The problem is that I have found a lump on one of my testicles and am too embarrassed to seek advice. You see, I think I have a small penis and I am so ashamed what my doctor would think. I know that I need to sort it out but I really can’t face pulling down my trousers and seeing the reaction of my doctor when he sees my bits. I know I need to do this but I just keep putting it off. Anon

 Hi there. Thank you for your email as I can see it took great balls to write to me. There seems to be two issues here that need sorting out, one being the lump on your testicles and the other your dissatisfaction with your manhood. I shall start with what I believe is the most pressing issue, your testes. Like my old Gran used to say to us before we were bathed and hair washed, ‘Three is a crowd,’ so I really think that you should pick up that phone and dial your GP. There is probably nothing to worry about but you need to look after those little fella’s of yours. But then again it could be something that needs urgent attention. You may never know until it is too late. If the lump does turn out to be cancerous then there is a much higher chance of it being dealt with successfully in the earlier stages. It could also very well be, and more likely to be, benign. Forget that you believe it to be a small cock, drop those pants, hold your head high and proudly display your goods to the doctor making sure it’s only your head on your shoulders that stands to attention! What people seem to forget is that doctors see a huge amount of people on a daily basis. They don’t give a toss about what your anatomy looks like unless there is something wrong with it. What they do give a shit about is that it is working properly and is healthy. You leave the room, they write a few notes on you and then ask to see the next patient.

My goodness me, far too many men wait and wait until they are nearly dead before seeing someone about a problem they have. My friend, Penelope, dated someone who refused to see a doctor. Sadly she had to dump him due to his head falling off when they were making love. She was mortified!

Check this link out with further information about testicular cancer.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Cancer-of-the-testicle/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Now let’s talk about the next bit of your problem: Your wiener. It seems that every male at some point has an issue with their penis so you are not on your own. Some willies are huge and some are small, while some bend to the left and some to the right. I bet that if you compared yours to others you will find that it is actually pretty much in proportion to your body. A lot of the time men look down at their nether regions from above and only see the top bit. What’s worse is if you don’t trim and just see one big bush. My advice, stand in front of the mirror, put your hands on your hips and jut your pelvis out. I bet it doesn't look so small now! Let me ask you a question. Does your penis work? Any problems when you pee?  Do you get enjoyment out of it? If the answer is ‘no’ to the first two questions there’s probably something wrong. If it does hurt when you pee you might have a urinary infection or a sexually transmitted infection (STI) in which case go and see your doctor immediately. You are lucky that a part of your body can give you so much pleasure regardless of what it looks like. (And get you into trouble if you’re not careful!) Acceptance is a big part of everyday life. You may not like a part of your anatomy, and true, you can change it with surgical procedures, but I recommend that you learn to love and accept every single bit of you both inside and out. Your body is amazing, warts and all. Cherish it and enjoy it. Look at your willy and tell it you love it. Get hold of it with one or two hands, depending, and give it a jolly good shake and say, thank you. Remember, your nob might very well be smaller than some but also much bigger than others. With Best regards, Molly X

 

Hi there Molly. Where do you get your hair done? It’s amazing! I would like hair just like yours, Sarah.

 

Hello Sarah and thank you for your question and the picture you sent in. I take it you are giving me a compliment judging by the photo? Either way the answer is my friend, Freddie Fungus, does it for me. He owns a small but vibrant unisex hair salon just down the road from me specialising in big hair and wigs. I am very lucky as my hair is naturally huge. (Incidentally, I have heard on the grapevine that Joan Collins is in awe of it and has requested a wig to be made just like mine but out of pipe cleaners.)

Now Sarah, after taking a step back and getting over the shock, I can see that you are trying your hardest to maintain a healthy hair style that is both complimentary and easy to manage. However, I do recommend you go to a specialist establishment where they can offer you advice, a good stylist and therapy. Also, what you could do is look under the sections ‘plumbers’ or ‘mechanics’ in the Yellow Pages and hopefully you will get someone who is up for a bit of a challenge. I do hope that helps. With kindest thoughts, Molly X

 

1. Molly Mushroom answers your questions.


Hello, this is Molly Mushroom, Agony Aunt to the stars and good people just like yourself.
Good early evening and welcome to the very first Ask Molly Mushroom blog. It has been a very exciting time for me of late what with my underactive thyroid and Electra complex issue which has now, thankfully, been fully resolved. I am itching (literally) to get my little mushroom cloud like hands on your questions or woes, and simply can’t wait to hear all those naughty things you have been up to. So, without a do, let me answer the very first ever Ask Molly Mushroom problem.

I was emailed late last night by someone called, Naomi, who has a frightful problem with her bowels. It is a rather unfortunate first ever Ask Molly Mushroom question but there you go. Molly never shy’s away! Naomi, love her, has been far too embarrassed to discuss this issue with her doctor and has come to me for help. Phewee! *Molly holds her nose.*

Dear Molly Mushroom, it is great to see that you have become an Agony Aunt and I hope that my problem is chosen so that you can help me. I trust you with your diplomacy and open mind and can only hope for some kind of help with a problem I have, and some reassurance.

The problem is that I have dreadful flatulence and it is becoming a real issue, especially as I sit in an office with no windows and sometimes no air. I am beyond embarrassed about this as I do not want to be known anymore as Guff. Please help!

 

Hello Naomi, how is your bottom today? Only teasing. I have to say that I am not quite sure what you want reassurance from? Does everyone pass wind? The answer to that is yes. Is it ok to fart at work in a professional setting? Well, not really Naomi. Some might think, I’m afraid, that it is very selfish to do so. It does sound as if there are a few issues here that need looking into and eliminating, no pun intended.

Firstly, what the hell do you eat to make you fart so much? It doesn’t sound great to me to be honest and thank goodness I do not have to endure this constant supply of methane that your arse exhumes. Not nice!

The more air in food the more farty you will be. So, for example, if you eat a lot of rice, you may find that it causes you to be a bit windy woo. Pulses are also inclined to give you wind too as they are difficult to break down in the digestive tract and it is the bacteria in the large intestine that breaks it down. I do suggest that you read up about this as it is very interesting and can help you  lead a more ‘normal’ life.

Do you drink a lot of fizzy drinks? Not only do they give you bottom burps but they rot your teeth too. My dear friend, Germalina, has to eat through a straw now due to losing all her teeth to decay caused from sugary drinks. She now resembles a wrinkly prune. Do you scoff your food down greedily, causing you to swallow great gulps of air? Try and eat more daintily. No one likes a greedy gannet especially the pore sod sitting opposite.

What I do recommend, along with the above, is to eliminate certain foods from your diet and see if there are any differences. If all else fails either plug it up during the day or make an appointment with your doctor who can do further experiments, I mean tests on you. I do hope this helps. With love, Molly X

 

The next question is short and sweet and comes from Matilda. She also sent a little kiss so I will send one back X

What’s your idea of a great first date?

Now Matilda, I am thinking that you are young to be asking this type of question so apologies if you are not. As my dear old Gran used to say to us just before we went to bed, ‘Assumption is the mother of all fuck up’s.’ This has kept me and my family in good stead our whole lives and is what kept moral up during the war, so I am told. That and a darn good knees up.

Now, back to it. What do I think makes a great first date? Well, initially I would make sure that I actually liked the person. None of this sordid blind date business. (Personally I would never trust friends in this situation.) I would never be pushed into anything I didn’t want to do. Make sure that you are clean and that you have brushed your hair a hundred times until it shone, that is if you have hair. I make sure that I am wearing my best frilly knickers in case I get run over. Do keep away from smelly foods and foods that could give you gas later on in the evening  - no one wants to be sitting next to someone in the cinema with wind, do they Naomi? Now for the actual date. Hopefully you will have similar interests so something that you are both inclined to enjoy would be beneficial. May I recommend, if you are at a loss, sheep shearing. It’s quirky, different and a lot of jolly good fun. Kissing on the first date is totally up to you. I would recommend a simple kiss on either the cheek or lips depending on what way up you are and I certainly do not recommend rimming. This could give the wrong impression.

Lastly, relax and enjoy. Let yourself have a good time. If it is romantic then all the better but do not waste a new experience on wishing you were somewhere else. Always try and get the best out of the situation and you never know, you might actually want to go back for more.

I do hope that helps, Matilda. Lots of love to you, Molly X

 

Get advice or support in the most unconventional manner possible with the help and support of Molly Mushroom.

 

Molly Mushroom, the fungus who knows what's what.

 

Molly Mushroom will answer any question you put to her on any subject imaginable. It may not be the response you were hoping for but, bless her, she tries her best.

Every Wednesday evening at 6.30pm two questions from the public will be answered at random. These could be advice or support in any subject matter, or they could be something you were dying to know and simply too embarrassed to ask.

Molly Mushroom is not liable for any actions taken by the public in response to any of her advice.

Send your questions to askmollymushroom@yahoo.com 

Please be aware that only two questions will be answered and these will be picked at random. Every question sent that particular week will be printed out, put in a hat and picked out by a person in authority or someone in an executive position.

All questions answered will use the person's real name unless otherwise stated.