1. Molly Mushroom answers your questions.


Hello, this is Molly Mushroom, Agony Aunt to the stars and good people just like yourself.
Good early evening and welcome to the very first Ask Molly Mushroom blog. It has been a very exciting time for me of late what with my underactive thyroid and Electra complex issue which has now, thankfully, been fully resolved. I am itching (literally) to get my little mushroom cloud like hands on your questions or woes, and simply can’t wait to hear all those naughty things you have been up to. So, without a do, let me answer the very first ever Ask Molly Mushroom problem.

I was emailed late last night by someone called, Naomi, who has a frightful problem with her bowels. It is a rather unfortunate first ever Ask Molly Mushroom question but there you go. Molly never shy’s away! Naomi, love her, has been far too embarrassed to discuss this issue with her doctor and has come to me for help. Phewee! *Molly holds her nose.*

Dear Molly Mushroom, it is great to see that you have become an Agony Aunt and I hope that my problem is chosen so that you can help me. I trust you with your diplomacy and open mind and can only hope for some kind of help with a problem I have, and some reassurance.

The problem is that I have dreadful flatulence and it is becoming a real issue, especially as I sit in an office with no windows and sometimes no air. I am beyond embarrassed about this as I do not want to be known anymore as Guff. Please help!

 

Hello Naomi, how is your bottom today? Only teasing. I have to say that I am not quite sure what you want reassurance from? Does everyone pass wind? The answer to that is yes. Is it ok to fart at work in a professional setting? Well, not really Naomi. Some might think, I’m afraid, that it is very selfish to do so. It does sound as if there are a few issues here that need looking into and eliminating, no pun intended.

Firstly, what the hell do you eat to make you fart so much? It doesn’t sound great to me to be honest and thank goodness I do not have to endure this constant supply of methane that your arse exhumes. Not nice!

The more air in food the more farty you will be. So, for example, if you eat a lot of rice, you may find that it causes you to be a bit windy woo. Pulses are also inclined to give you wind too as they are difficult to break down in the digestive tract and it is the bacteria in the large intestine that breaks it down. I do suggest that you read up about this as it is very interesting and can help you  lead a more ‘normal’ life.

Do you drink a lot of fizzy drinks? Not only do they give you bottom burps but they rot your teeth too. My dear friend, Germalina, has to eat through a straw now due to losing all her teeth to decay caused from sugary drinks. She now resembles a wrinkly prune. Do you scoff your food down greedily, causing you to swallow great gulps of air? Try and eat more daintily. No one likes a greedy gannet especially the pore sod sitting opposite.

What I do recommend, along with the above, is to eliminate certain foods from your diet and see if there are any differences. If all else fails either plug it up during the day or make an appointment with your doctor who can do further experiments, I mean tests on you. I do hope this helps. With love, Molly X

 

The next question is short and sweet and comes from Matilda. She also sent a little kiss so I will send one back X

What’s your idea of a great first date?

Now Matilda, I am thinking that you are young to be asking this type of question so apologies if you are not. As my dear old Gran used to say to us just before we went to bed, ‘Assumption is the mother of all fuck up’s.’ This has kept me and my family in good stead our whole lives and is what kept moral up during the war, so I am told. That and a darn good knees up.

Now, back to it. What do I think makes a great first date? Well, initially I would make sure that I actually liked the person. None of this sordid blind date business. (Personally I would never trust friends in this situation.) I would never be pushed into anything I didn’t want to do. Make sure that you are clean and that you have brushed your hair a hundred times until it shone, that is if you have hair. I make sure that I am wearing my best frilly knickers in case I get run over. Do keep away from smelly foods and foods that could give you gas later on in the evening  - no one wants to be sitting next to someone in the cinema with wind, do they Naomi? Now for the actual date. Hopefully you will have similar interests so something that you are both inclined to enjoy would be beneficial. May I recommend, if you are at a loss, sheep shearing. It’s quirky, different and a lot of jolly good fun. Kissing on the first date is totally up to you. I would recommend a simple kiss on either the cheek or lips depending on what way up you are and I certainly do not recommend rimming. This could give the wrong impression.

Lastly, relax and enjoy. Let yourself have a good time. If it is romantic then all the better but do not waste a new experience on wishing you were somewhere else. Always try and get the best out of the situation and you never know, you might actually want to go back for more.

I do hope that helps, Matilda. Lots of love to you, Molly X