4. Good early afternoon all and welcome to the fourth Ask Molly Mushroom. I would like to start off by thanking you for your emails and queries. I do seem to attract a lot of rather rude mail consisting of the strangest problems I have ever heard and I have enjoyed reading every single last one. A big hello to Romek and his dog, Theo. It is always a pleasure being licked so thoroughly although I did have to spend some time drying out in the tumble dryer. And again, thank you Paul for your experimental and rather interesting ideas. Unfortunately we are of different species so I think what you are requesting is a physical impossibility for me. What I would also do first, if I were in your position, would be to try it out on something that is soft, inanimate and at room temperature. Best of luck.

It has been an interesting week as I am currently in the process of being sued by someone who will remain nameless. This person, who we shall call Susan McCarthy, took all my advice in the popular ‘Feel Good with Molly Mushroom Affirmations’ and not only whipped her breasts out to all the nuns taking communion but also flashed her gash. I can only assume she is insane and borderline neurotic. On a good note I have been nominated for a ‘Fungal’. This prestigious award ceremony takes place every year and celebrates spores and other fungi. I won Mushroom of the Year and my dear friend, Penelope, won Spreading the Most Fungal Disease of the Foot award. She is mighty proud. Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you.

 

Hi Molly Mushroom, I love what you do and really enjoy seeing and hearing about your adventures. What I do want to know is, why do you always have a face like a smacked arse? Thanks, Stephen from Exeter.

Well how rude! Sometimes I think that if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything, unless asked of course.

 

Dear Molly, I would be very interested to know what beauty products you use. I am currently training to be a beautician and would like to invent or make up my own products using only organic ingredients. I know you are environmentally aware and against animal testing so any ideas would be greatly appreciated, Sandra

 Hi there Sandra, and thank you for your incredibly kind words. Firstly I do need to be careful of using too much water due to my flesh absorbing it. If this is the case I inflate like a balloon.  That actually happened to me last week when I went on holiday with Paris Hilton. She pushed me in the swimming pool at the Playboy mansion and I soaked up all the water and had to be air-lifted out. I am currently keeping a low profile as I heard on the grapevine that they are now after my spores for testing. I object to my DNA being used for panty-liners or nappies. The indignity!

Going back to my complexion. I always keep my face moisturised whether it’s a good moisturising factor 30 (my preference) or anything that keeps my face nice and smooth. My sister once told me to use margarine, the bitch, and I had to be quarantined as they thought I was contagious. What had actually happened was the margarine had blocked my pores and I burst out into pimples. I also believe that plenty of sleep, a healthy diet and exercise gives you that certain Je Ne Sais Quoi. I also try to make sure I’m in bed nice and early so I get my beauty sleep. Sometimes I can sleep for over twenty four hours and usually wake up dusty and in front of the front door. My mother has used me as a draft excluder , double bitch!

I like to use natural ingredients on my face. As a face mask I use egg-white whipped up to a frenzy. I smother it all over my face until I resemble a meringue and leave it until it dries. I have also been known to mash up a banana or avocado and smear it all over myself. I will not tell you what my friend, Freddie Fungus, uses but his skin is as soft as cream. For a facial scrub I place some olive oil, coffee granules, granulated sugar and honey in a small pot. I gently apply this to my buoyant skin and rub in gently. How fresh and blotchy I look when it is removed.

Other ideas you could try are tapioca, oven cleaner, baked beans on toast or simply apply a paper bag over the offending head.

I do hope this has helped you, Sandra, and if you need any more advice please maybe think about the profession you are going into and maybe change it? Just a thought. With love, Molly X

 What do you think of Tom Cruise and his religion ( cult ),' Scientology' ?

I have to say, like any religion, I believe that it is a form of control and can be very destructive. I am also aware that it can be incredibly beneficial to people and also give a sense of belonging. In the UK it is not recognised as a religion and, personally, I can kind of see why. In all fairness people have the right to choose what they want to believe in whatever other people percieve it to be. However, I totally disagree when people are involved against their will, especially children who have no say in the matter. I did read recently that Tom, and his wife at the time, ignored their child when she was screaming in another room. However, I was not there so cannot comment. If this is so then I feel it is wrong, and not only because I cannot stand the sound of high pitched screeching. Children need comfort and reassurance. My speculation is that babies and children left to resolve their own issues on a regular basis could very well grow up with attachment issues that will be difficult to resolve in later life.  A lot of research has gone into Attachment Theory and if you would like to read more about it then see the link at the bottom of this topic.

I think that Scientology is another form of herding people like cattle and shaping them into whatever the founders’ belief is whether it is a cult or a religion.

Why are there so many wars? Why do people feel the need to control and do anything in their power to do so? The religious books, so many people abide by, are a well written piece of fiction. They are there to be enjoyed, to give hope and help people find spirituality and love. Sadly they also control and dictate. Look at how much homophobia is spread due to religious beliefs and stories. Wouldn’t it be smashing to allow the existence of others without prejudice? Look how Sodom and Gomorrah is widely overlooked. Religion should be about tolerance and living together whatever the race, culture, gender or sexuality.

Going back to Scientology. Now, what I know about this ‘religion/cult’ is the belief that people are immortal alien beings called Thetans. Thetans are trapped on earth in a human body form who have forgotten their true nature and are trapped on earth. (I’m just so pleased I am of the fungal variety). Thetans, according to the scientology theory, have led numerous lives and on other planets. Scientologists believe that each Thetan has lived many past lives. If you pay money to the Church of Scientology people can free themselves of their human form and reclaim their true selves. Isn’t that nice? I wonder if they have a place for a little mushroom?

As I say, like any religion, it is totally up to the individual on what they believe. If it helps then what can be bad about that? Just don’t let it dictate how you spread your wonderfulness and stop you from enjoying your life and who you are. Be spiritual, be good, give love and respect and accept yourself. Regards, Molly X

www.scientology.org

http://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

P.S. I have just been told by my good friend, Germalina, that oven cleaner does not work. She tried it once and she melted.