5. Hello, hello, hello to one and all and welcome to Ask Molly Mushroom, the only mushroom on the net who will answer anything you care to chuck at her. There has been a lot of bargain basement emails sent to me this week for some unknown reason and one that actually turned my stomach, but forever the professional, I read it, heaved a bit and then put it straight in the trash can away from prying eyes.  One particular email made me laugh heartily but unfortunately it was not picked. Instead was an email from Pete in Somerset which landed in my inbox and was chosen at random. To be perfectly honest, when I read it I found myself having a great laugh with my friend, Delia, but through sheer cringe. Seriously, some people's lives crack me up! It was only when my sister, Morag, came up and electrocuted me that I finally pulled myself together and tried the best I could to respond. To be honest with you I would skip it (unless you have an interest in traffic cones) and move on to the second question where at least you will get some relationship advice.

I have had a wonderful week and am very excited as I performed with the one and only Marilyn Monroe. It was a marvellous experience until she had a little accident on stage. As the real professional in this scenario, I was able to carry on without her and perform a cracking act to which the audience erupted into applause. You will be able to see this soon on YouTube in full HD so you can have a jolly good laugh at old wrinkly wig features.

I would like to say a big hello to a few people, if I may, and also a tickle under the chin to the lovely Pelle and Yip. Raymond aka Horrorhunk2 and Kenneth Walter, hello there and thank you for all your support, you cheeky sausages. With love, Molly Mushroom.

 

P.S. The bitch that tried to sue me last week has only gone and got herself arrested for scrumping apples. She is currently being held in a high security prison just of the east coast of Africa. Serves her right!  

Dear Molly Mushroom, hello my name is Pete and I came across your blog when I was searching for lesbian Ping-Pong  porn. I had to write to you as I feel you do not judge anyone and anything goes. My real name is not Pete, but Gavin Samuel-Pickings, but I want to keep myself anonymous so please call me Pete. I live in a small town called Little Woking in Somerset and work as a postman. I thought you might be interested to know that I collect traffic cones. I have collected them since I was a small boy and now have over two thousand. I am very proud of my collection and am thinking about exhibiting them. What I wanted to let you know is that I recently found a cone that was red and so I decided to put white dots on it. I am now thinking of putting a mop on the top and using it as my ‘special’ cone for ‘special’ occasions. What do you think? Pete.

 Dear Pete,

Thank you for letter. It was a very interesting read and one that I have shown my friend, Delia for a giggle. I have passed this on to her as I feel that she will be able to deal with your issue better than myself. Please do have a look at my friend’s response below as she is properly trained in such severe issues as yours. Best of luck, Molly X

 

Hello Pete, my name is Delia and I am here to help you through any problems you may have got yourself into. Although I did have a giggle with my friend, Molly, I can see that there is a serious side to this. Let me tell you a little bit about myself first so you know you are in safe hands. I am a qualified, self-taught Psychotherapist and belly dancer and have found combining the two a successful way to help anyone with issues, yours included. To be honest I have come across a lot worse in my time, I think.

Burn the lot of them. Burn those dirty, stinking cones. Burn them I tell you. Burn the little bastards you dirty pervert! With regards, Delia.

 What to do when you are in a loving relationship but now and then your ex-boyfriend pops into your mind ? What does it mean ...? Anon

 It means that you are spiteful and a cheat and need to look at where your morals lie. Only teasing, though if it was my mother answering you she would call you a whore outright. Luckily you have come to me, full of wisdom and wise men. Goodness me, if we could control everything that goes through our minds then we would all exist as robots like in the film The Stepford Wives. No one can read your mind so indulge yourself for a while. Let him pop into that grey matter of yours and say hello if he wants to. A word of warning, if he starts saying a bit more than that, punch him! As my old Gran used to say regularly to Grandpa, ‘Get the fuck out of the house before I chop your bollocks off.’ How we would laugh… such a sense of humour. 

You say you are in a loving relationship, however your ex pops into mind every now and then. Is this during an ‘intimate moment’ with your current partner and that is why you are worried? If so, then there may very well be something wrong with the relationship you are currently in. My guess is it happens when you are wandering down the street happy as a cucumber, minding your own business, and suddenly up he pops (in your mind that is). This might be because you might have gone past a previous haunt that you spent time in together e.g. a police cell, or you heard a song that reminded you of when you made mad passionate love and had a multiple orgasm, or that someone wafted past you in the street wearing  ‘his’ scent.  Although I do not have a nose (blame my creator, J.E. Hanley, the little shit, for that) I find smell the most prominent sense to relate past to. You might also have to think about how the relationship ended? Maybe there was unfinished business and your unconscious mind is trying to heal you by making itself known.

 

To be perfectly honest, be grateful that you can remember your past relationships. They helped to mould you into what you are now, and unless you are a gibbering, obese, serial killer with a passion for having sex with traffic cones, you can be happy that you still have a healthy, functioning mind. A mind that can dip into its past and relay lots of memories, both happy and sad, and that have got you to where you are now in life. Lot’s of love, Molly X

 

Now I'm off to the gym with Madonna to pump some iron and build on our cheek muscles before performing in front of over twenty people at The 02.

 

Until next time, Molly X