Happy New Year to you all... Now shut it!

9. Well hello, this is Molly Mushroom here writing to you on the very last day of 2015. "The very last day?" I hear you say, yes the very last day! I feel like bursting into song and exploding all over the place. To sum up my year would be a travesty to say the least, though considering I have been chopped up numerous amounts of times and put in a selection of cuisines, I think I did pretty well and was generally in bed by eight thirty pm (forgetting the unfortunate times where I had been locked up for unsociable behaviour.) I won’t let anyone get me down, and this is where I say a massive thank you to all of you who have been bloody wonderful and gorgeous. Ooh I feel like a lovey at the Oscars. If I was winning an award I would be up in front of you all for at least six hours burbling on about how lucky I am, and crying whilst collecting my trophy for ‘most everything ever award’. I want to thank all the celebrities I blackmailed and waxworks I met over the period of time and look forward to another year of backhanding and threats to get me through 2016. I also look forward to hearing from you and helping you out with your ‘issues’.

One of the things I do wonder about is whether Donald Trump will be banned from the UK. What are your thoughts on this? Personally I think he should go eat his wig and choke on a fur ball.

What have been your highlights of 2015? Do let me know as I am forever interested in the complete shit you write (Do you think you should put this in? Maybe you could say something like, ‘I am forever interested in your lives and problems.)

What have been your highlights of 2015? Do let me know as I am forever interested in your lives and problems.

Holy shit, watching Jeremy Kyle. Who are these people? Where do they come from? Why do they all have mouldy teeth? (Is this relevant? You might want to rethink whether to put this in? P.S. However I do agree with you. Could you imagine living next door to some of them? Have they never heard of a toothbrush? Lol. Bloody awful.)

I didn’t get many emails this week so am scraping the barrel a bit to be honest. However, a big thank you to Steven Crawley from Northhampton and anon from Australia who managed to string two sentences together and ask me the biggest pile of crap I could ever hope to get in my inbox. What a complete load of shit. I’m not going to answer them, in fact I am going to print them out and burn them. (Molly, I am a bit concerned with your attitude this week. Is everything ok? You can’t put this in. It is offensive. Please get in touch ASAP to discuss.)

I got a lot of wonderful emails this week so without further ado let’s begin:

Dear Molly Mushroom, what are your favourite television programmes? Mrs Pickle-Pepper from Trout Farm.

Hi Mrs Pickle-Pepper, thank you for your email. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I have a few favourite programmes and shall list them below in no particular order.

1.     V (the original mini-series.) I simply adore this programme and still watch it avidly. What do I like about it? The concept that they are aliens (or frogs) hiding behind human skin and wanting to rid our planet of food and water. I love the effects of the 80s and believe it more than the CGI stuff that gets churned out now however bad it may look now. There is something raw and effective about prosthetics which can be used brilliantly.

2.     Keeping Up Appearances. Hyacinth Bucket is the best! I love this woman beyond anything. Ooh how she makes me laugh. A totally wonderful character who never fails to make me laugh.

3.     Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. I know my creator, J.E. Hanley, wants to be Spider-Man but I always wanted to be Firestar. Once my cow of a sister took it literally and flambéed me. Luckily Fireman Sam was close by and used his hose to put me out which got him a restraining order.

4.     Bob and Margaret. I love this cartoon and the subtlety of the writing and their relationship. Bloody brilliant!

 

I hope that satisfied your curiosity, Mrs Pepper-Pickle. Have a great New Year, love Molly X

 

Hi Molly, what are you up to New Year’s Eve? I love you, Alex.

 

Mind your own fucking business! (Try thinking about how someone might feel, Molly, if this was actually published? I have no idea what is the matter with you at the moment. Remember people aspire to be like you so start thinking! Come to my office Monday 9am for a little chat, I think we need to lay down some rules. In the meantime I will write on your behalf.)

Dear Alex, I love you too. I am spending New Year with my family and friends in our little house. Mother will bake scones and we will sing heartily around the open fire. My sister, Morag, and I will hand out pondweed to our guests and then we will spread cheer throughout the land. Joy to all. With love Molly X

(Right Molly, I am off. Hope the above is ok. I know Mrs Mushroom will be out soliciting but try to keep yourself out of trouble. I’m going to get my end away before getting completely wankered at Hard Cock Café. Just remember to change the edits before you upload and for god’s sake try not to kill your sister. Pete.)