11. Hi all, Molly Mushroom here alive and well sitting in a lovely London café on Tottenham Court Road swinging my little bubble like legs to and fro on the countertop. One of the employers thought they were marshmallows and was just about to drop me into a hot chocolate when I screamed and bit him. Imbecile!

I have just received a short story from my creator, J.E. Hanley, via email, who thought it was a good idea to print it on my site, the cheeky bastard! Personally I think it is totally ridiculous and crap and I should jolly well tell him so and to also stop cashing in on my popularity! Anyway, here it is. Do feel free to comment. The worse feedback the better!

Molly Mushroom and the Fairground by J.E. Hanley

 

Molly awoke and flew out the house forgetting to get dressed. When realising what state she was in she dawdled back, threw on her polka dot dress and then flew out the house again. Molly was incredibly excited as the fairground was coming and she wanted to tell her friend, Germalina, the news.

  The last time the fairground came to the woods Molly went on every single ride twice and was sick each time. What a hoot! It hadn’t helped that she had eaten seventeen hotdogs and fifty two toffee apples before each ride, the greedy little mushroom.

Germalina was busy giving herself some light relief when she heard Molly stumbling down the lane. She quickly degreased her hand and hid under the bed. She put her fingers in her ears and fell asleep instantly. Two hours later she awoke to a big round face staring at her. Molly had snuck in, found Germalina asleep and waited patiently for her to wake.

  ‘The fairground is coming,’ Molly screeched loudly when seeing Germalina open her eyes.

Germalina screamed and pretended to fall back to sleep again. She waited another three hours before daring to open an eye and then scanned the room. She looked left and right hoping that Molly would get impatient and leave but the silly germ forgot to look up.

  ‘It’s coming,’ yelled Molly, looming over her friend. ‘The fairground is coming. Yippeee.’

  ‘Oh, hello,’ said Germalina. ‘I didn’t know you were here.’ She was annoyed as she had not finished flicking her bean and was feeling frustrated.

  'You've been asleep for hours,' Molly said, while skipping about the bedroom. 'I gave you a good poking but that still didn't wake you.'

  'Did you?' mumbled Germalina, readjusting her pants. 'I had no idea.

  ‘I am so excited,’ said Molly, spinning. ‘Wake up and get ready, we are going to the fairground.’

  ‘Oh drat,’ said Germalina, remembering the last time they went. It took over four trips to the laundrette to remove the stench after the occasion and a severe telling off from Mrs Germ.

  ‘I Know!’ screamed Molly, leaving a trail across the carpet. ‘I simply can’t wait.’

  That evening the fairground opened and Molly dragged Germalina and Penelope, her other friend, to the bright lights and dizzy rides.

  The three things ambled along the country lane following the sound of the Morris dancers masturbating. They turned a corner and there they all were beating away happily.

  What joy, the three little friends thought when they arrived at their destination after trying to ignore the lecherous old perverts and dodging the bullets. Oh what fun, and just listen to the offensive music being played. ‘Mo Fo, fat bitch, slutty homo whore,’ they chanted merrily. It was jolly good!

  A group of gnomes were hanging out by The Waltzers and were egging each other to chat up a gnomette they had seen. She was mighty ugly, with bad dandruff, a poor posture and a rotten fish hanging from her head. Her flange was peeping out and her face was fixed in a grimace as she was desperately trying to hold it in. Suddenly  a great gust of wind got the better of the situation and it suddenly flew out and slapped a gnome across the face.

At a nearby stall a couple of woodlice shouted in glee as they had finally won a stuffed flea, their joy heard for centimetres. On one rather thrilling ride a group of snails came off as slugs and at the same time a fight broke out between two fairies obviously a bit worse for wear. A fairy godmother tried to break it up but ended up getting kneed in the fanny.

  ‘Come on,’ screamed Molly to her friends as she stuffed herself with candyfloss. ‘Let’s go on the bumper cars.’

  So, reluctantly, they went on, Germalina and Penelope in one car and Molly in her own. Penelope's hair was so tall it reached the overhead electrical wires.

  When the ride started Molly pressed her foot down hard and the car jolted forward. Oh dear me, it threw poor little shroom out of the very car she was in and into the middle of the ride. And there she lay, face down on the floor, with the bumper cars whizzing around her. The other two were having so much fun they thought it would be even funnier if they drove over Molly, head first. So they aimed the car right at her and…thwap! Molly flew through the air at a hundred miles an hour and landed on top of a group of pixies. Molly picked herself up, brushed herself down and went to the nearest doughnut stand.

  Back on the bumper ride Penelope was driving so fast her hair caught on fire. 'Whooppppeeeeeee,' she screamed, flames going everywhere. She had a look of sheer madness about her as if she had been possessed by the devil. Luckily Germalina had jumped out of the car and infected a group of tourists with chlamydia.  Ooh how they itched.

  When Penelope came off the bumper cars, dizzy with excitement, her hair was little more than a burnt stump. It was still smouldering when she reached a group of snails who began to toast marshmallows on it, happily munching on the delicious goo. Penelope didn't mind and accepted graciously a marshmallow that had been cooked to perfection from a nearby ant. She then went to find Germalina and Molly.

  They spent the following happy hours being thrown about on the big dipper, whizzing round on the Waltzers and regularly cleaning themselves up after Molly’s ‘accidents’. Penelope was lucky enough to win a new hair piece at the Wig and Whistle stall and wore it with pride. Germalina was so jealous of it she spat in it whenever Penelope wasn’t looking.

  Finally, after they had spent most of their pennies, they walked happily through the fairground chatting and laughing as they went. They were unaware that the infamous Naughty Nighties were on a mission that night and had been following them for most of the evening, shocked and a little grossed out by the three friends’ antics.

  The Naughty Nighties were a gang led by Molly's sister, Morag, and were a force to deal with. Not only were they feared by the woodland folk but were also feared by Penelope and Germalina. How menacing they looked with their starched nightwear and stern faces. Morag wore a nighty so embroidered that it was covered with delicate yellow roses. They were a formidable force and not to be messed with.

  'Oi!' said Morag, menacingly. Penelope and Germalina turned around and gulped while Molly ate the remainder of the toffee apple. Penelope adjusted her wig as it slid off her head.

  ‘Awright,’ said Morag, and spun around making her nightie balloon out around her. Penelope and Germalina stood back as they did not want to mess with Morag when she was in this mood. Bad things could happen. Dangerous things.

  ‘Hello Morag,’ cried Molly and threw her arms around her sister. Penelope and Germalina gasped. Whatever was Morag going to do?

  The Naughty Nighties took a step forward and closed in on the three vulnerable friends.

  ‘Get them,’ shouted Morag. The three friends ran off as quick as Julian, Dick, George and Timmy would have done from the Famous Five leaving the ridiculous Anne behind to wash up and cry.

  ‘Quick, get on here,’ shouted Penelope to Germalina and Molly while pointing the ghost train. ‘Molly, stop it and climb in,’ she screamed, piling Molly’s backside into the carriage. The Naughty Nighties were close at heel now, shoving unsuspecting folk out of the way.

  ‘Get in,’ bellowed Morag to her gang as they raced towards the ghost train. ‘Those three are gonna get it.’ Morag clung on to the side of a car, her stumpy little legs kicking furiously.

  With the three friends crammed in one carriage and the gang squashed into the carriage behind the ghost train lunged forward and went through the doors in a blood curdling scream.

  ‘Whoopeeee,’ screamed Molly, excitedly. A giant hand grabbed her by her stool and she punched whatever it was hard in the face. Germalina cried out. Then some baby bees dressed as scary spiders buzzed around them whilst a real human skeleton swung from the rafters. On and on the ghost train went whilst more and more frightening things jumped out at them: Barry Manilow dressed as a baby and Madonna without make-up to name a few. One of the gang members was so afraid she ripped off her nightie and ate it. To be honest, considering she was a moth, she found it quite appetising. Another gang member hit out at what she thought was a ginger troll but was actually Molly’s reflection that had bounced off Kylie Minogue’s forehead.

  Kylie Minogue had been employed by the fairground and was settling into her new role. When she was punched in the face she  screamed and ran back into her shell refusing to come out again, losing a whole days pay in the process. Molly, on the other hand, was having a wonderful time ripping down the scenery in excitement as Penelope and Germalina got it on together. The poor Naughty Nighties were having to dodge the debris that Molly was pulling down and were now beginning to regret their decision of chasing them in the first place. The now naked moth was so traumatised she began to munch on anything and anyone. By the end of the ride she had eaten the whole of The Naughty Nighties except Morag who refused point blank to be eaten.

  Finally, the carriages emerged with a lot less folk coming out that went in. The moth had to be airlifted out of her seat while still munching on what was left of a gang member. She had a wild look about her. Molly ran to the nearest doughnut stand and ordered a family sized box while Penelope and Germalina sauntered off into the woods. Morag went home to write a poison pen letter to her teacher, and  the moth had to have her stomach pumped. When the gang emerged they were very angry indeed and refused to speak to her again.

Later that night Molly sat on the edge of her bed and stretched. ‘What an eventful day,’ she said to herself. ‘I have never had so much fun.’ She placed her nightcap on her head, pulled back her blankets and slipped into bed. Soon she was fast asleep and snoring her head off, oblivious to anything and anyone.

Night night Molly Mushroom. Sleep tight.

Under no circumstances did cannibalism occur in this story. The gang members who were eaten consisted of two ladybirds, a tick and a flea. They are now leading separate lives after realising they have the ability to think and act for themselves. Kylie Minogue is currently signing on after being sacked from another stint at scaring people at a rival fairground. Molly was given community service for destroying the ghost train and Morag’s teacher fled in fear of her past being found out. Morag is considered armed and dangerous and strolls the woods trying to start another infamous gang as notorious as The Naughty Nighties. There is a ten penny reward for Morag’s capture.

The End

 

I mean what a load of rubbish. Anyway, I have only had time to answer one problem this week and it comes from the blushing new bride, Daniella.

 Dear Molly, I have a problem that I find really annoying and embarrassing and I was wondering if you could help me. The problem is that I get embarrassed very easily and when this happens I go very red in the face. The more I feel I am getting redder the worse it gets. Generally I am a confident and happy person who has a good job, recently married and two children, but I can’t seem to control this thing that happens to me. Please help! Daniella, Oxfordshire.

Hi there Daniella, well, well, well, what an embarrassing problem you have here and one that I emphasis with as I can sometimes go so red, and with the shape of my head, I look just like a cherry. Anyway, back to you. Do you get so red that you also resemble a piece of ripe fruit or a haemorrhoid? Depending on the shape of your head what would you say you looked like most? A strawberry? A plum? A bunch of grapes?

It can be very embarrassing to go red in front of others but what I say to myself is ‘fuck it’. I would say that blushing easily is something that you have to accept and generally, in time, calms down. However, if it doesn’t maybe you might have to think about what causes the blushing and why it happens so often to you. Is there a part of you that you want to keep hidden from the world, however trivial it may seem?  When secrets or things you would rather keep to yourself are ‘found out’  it can seem a big deal and this can cause embarrassment. Then when you start feeling yourself go red you try and cover it up and laugh it off but then go redder still. Vicious circle! Another reason is that you could be so passionate about something but no one else is taking it seriously. You feel hurt and humiliated.

I think it is endearing and shows a lovely quality to your nature (unless you are a filthy, dirty liar that tries to get away with murder).

To be honest I believe that what you need to do it accept that this happens to you, have belief in yourself that it will calm down in time, give a big V’s up to people who don’t take you seriously or take the piss out of you for being so passionate, and rejoice in the fact that blood is pumping merrily through your veins to allow you to blush in the first place (unless you have really high blood pressure. If so, go to your GP asap!) With love, Molly X

‘I'm always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don't even take what I am seriously.’ David Bowie