Happy New Year to you all... Now shut it!

9. Well hello, this is Molly Mushroom here writing to you on the very last day of 2015. "The very last day?" I hear you say, yes the very last day! I feel like bursting into song and exploding all over the place. To sum up my year would be a travesty to say the least, though considering I have been chopped up numerous amounts of times and put in a selection of cuisines, I think I did pretty well and was generally in bed by eight thirty pm (forgetting the unfortunate times where I had been locked up for unsociable behaviour.) I won’t let anyone get me down, and this is where I say a massive thank you to all of you who have been bloody wonderful and gorgeous. Ooh I feel like a lovey at the Oscars. If I was winning an award I would be up in front of you all for at least six hours burbling on about how lucky I am, and crying whilst collecting my trophy for ‘most everything ever award’. I want to thank all the celebrities I blackmailed and waxworks I met over the period of time and look forward to another year of backhanding and threats to get me through 2016. I also look forward to hearing from you and helping you out with your ‘issues’.

One of the things I do wonder about is whether Donald Trump will be banned from the UK. What are your thoughts on this? Personally I think he should go eat his wig and choke on a fur ball.

What have been your highlights of 2015? Do let me know as I am forever interested in the complete shit you write (Do you think you should put this in? Maybe you could say something like, ‘I am forever interested in your lives and problems.)

What have been your highlights of 2015? Do let me know as I am forever interested in your lives and problems.

Holy shit, watching Jeremy Kyle. Who are these people? Where do they come from? Why do they all have mouldy teeth? (Is this relevant? You might want to rethink whether to put this in? P.S. However I do agree with you. Could you imagine living next door to some of them? Have they never heard of a toothbrush? Lol. Bloody awful.)

I didn’t get many emails this week so am scraping the barrel a bit to be honest. However, a big thank you to Steven Crawley from Northhampton and anon from Australia who managed to string two sentences together and ask me the biggest pile of crap I could ever hope to get in my inbox. What a complete load of shit. I’m not going to answer them, in fact I am going to print them out and burn them. (Molly, I am a bit concerned with your attitude this week. Is everything ok? You can’t put this in. It is offensive. Please get in touch ASAP to discuss.)

I got a lot of wonderful emails this week so without further ado let’s begin:

Dear Molly Mushroom, what are your favourite television programmes? Mrs Pickle-Pepper from Trout Farm.

Hi Mrs Pickle-Pepper, thank you for your email. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I have a few favourite programmes and shall list them below in no particular order.

1.     V (the original mini-series.) I simply adore this programme and still watch it avidly. What do I like about it? The concept that they are aliens (or frogs) hiding behind human skin and wanting to rid our planet of food and water. I love the effects of the 80s and believe it more than the CGI stuff that gets churned out now however bad it may look now. There is something raw and effective about prosthetics which can be used brilliantly.

2.     Keeping Up Appearances. Hyacinth Bucket is the best! I love this woman beyond anything. Ooh how she makes me laugh. A totally wonderful character who never fails to make me laugh.

3.     Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. I know my creator, J.E. Hanley, wants to be Spider-Man but I always wanted to be Firestar. Once my cow of a sister took it literally and flambéed me. Luckily Fireman Sam was close by and used his hose to put me out which got him a restraining order.

4.     Bob and Margaret. I love this cartoon and the subtlety of the writing and their relationship. Bloody brilliant!

 

I hope that satisfied your curiosity, Mrs Pepper-Pickle. Have a great New Year, love Molly X

 

Hi Molly, what are you up to New Year’s Eve? I love you, Alex.

 

Mind your own fucking business! (Try thinking about how someone might feel, Molly, if this was actually published? I have no idea what is the matter with you at the moment. Remember people aspire to be like you so start thinking! Come to my office Monday 9am for a little chat, I think we need to lay down some rules. In the meantime I will write on your behalf.)

Dear Alex, I love you too. I am spending New Year with my family and friends in our little house. Mother will bake scones and we will sing heartily around the open fire. My sister, Morag, and I will hand out pondweed to our guests and then we will spread cheer throughout the land. Joy to all. With love Molly X

(Right Molly, I am off. Hope the above is ok. I know Mrs Mushroom will be out soliciting but try to keep yourself out of trouble. I’m going to get my end away before getting completely wankered at Hard Cock Café. Just remember to change the edits before you upload and for god’s sake try not to kill your sister. Pete.)

 

8. Molly Mushroom here with yet another Ask Molly Mushroom whatever it is. I am currently perching on my desk, shovelling mince pies into my mouth and tapping my kankles along to Cliff Richard’s marvellous Mistletoe and Wine classic. However the lyrics don’t sit well with me so I have dubbed over them with the theme tune to X rated version of The Golden Girls.

I have been so busy recently that I have not had a chance to prune what with the Christmas season upon us again. Doesn’t time fly?!  Sauveur Fernandez aka Fsauveur, your portraits are incredible. I don't really feel like talking about myself right now so let's get to it. X

Dear Molly Mushroom, hello and how are you? My friend likes your work and said that maybe you could help me. I am writing to you to get some advice. I am originally from Poland and came to work in London nearly a year ago. I was lucky enough to get a job almost straight away in a restaurant and have been able to send money back to family to help them. I currently live with seven other people in a house share and although we get on quite well I don’t have much to do with them as they are always working. Basically I am homesick. I miss my family but have to stay in this country to get as much money together so that I can help them and also save for my education, from Krystyn

Hi Krystyn, I feel your pain. I was once sellotaped to a balloon by my sister, Morag, who then let go of me to see how far I would travel. She had tied a note to my leg saying, ‘Please cook this mushroom.’ I had floated over eight hundred metres until I descended and was found by a family of travelling elves who took pity on me and catapulted me back the way I came.

Now, let’s sort this problem of yours out. Krystyn, you sound like an incredible young man who wants to succeed in life and look after your nearest and dearest. I am guessing you are quite young due to what you say about studying etc so I can only have the highest respect for you and your bravery considering you moved from your home country to another. I can sense your loneliness and am so pleased you found me.

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in situations that are out of our comfort zones. It feels that you are in that situation now. New country, a big city, demanding job, responsibility of supporting your family, living with strangers. The list goes on. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Life is not always easy and comes with its downfalls. A lot of people see these hardships as a way to make oneself stronger but sometimes you just want life to be simple and I don’t blame you. You have been in this country long enough to know how it works and how demanding London can be. I believe that due to it being this time of year you may be feeling more fragile than normal especially as you work in a restaurant serving families and friends celebrating the festivities. I am going to write a list of helpful suggestions for you and I hope they help:

1.    Write a note to your housemates and pin it on the door asking if they fancy doing something over the Christmas period making sure you give a selection of dates that you are free. I bet your bottom dollar a lot are feeling the same way as you.

2.    Find an area of London that has a high population of Polish people. Each pocket of London has its own feel which draws a certain crowd. For example, Southfields has a large population of South Africans, Tooting has a large population of Indian and Pakistani people and Streatham have a lot of Polish people. Explore!

3.    Use Skype to contact your family on a regular basis. Keep them up to date with your news and ask the same from them.

4.    Give yourself a break and take a step back to see what you have achieved so far. Check your bank balance and see how much you have saved. Think how much easier it will make your life when you have finished your studies and have the job you have dreamed of with your family close by.

5.    There is no point in making yourself completely miserable. Spend some of that money on a ticket that will get you to your family. Even if you do not manage to spend Christmas day with them arrange another time when you can recreate the day.

6.    Remember that money is fluid. The more you give out the more you get back. If you hold on to it then it becomes stagnant. Now, I’m not suggesting that you go and spend it all on a night out, but once in a while enjoy yourself and do something that you wouldn’t normally do and without feeling guilty. Memories are very important!

I do hope you have an enjoyable period of time where you can have fun with the people you live or work with. I also hope that you are able to spend some time with your family soon. You will reap the rewards to all your hardship so stick at it, best wishes, Molly X

 

Hi Molly, I am writing to you as every time Christmas approaches I start thinking about the elderly and them being lonely. I hate to think of people being by themselves over the Christmas period and miserable. What do you suggest? Thanks, Tina

Well Tina, it is mighty fine to have these concerns but nothing is going to change unless you do something about it. Bloody well get out there and start giving your time to help people who fall into the category you are concerned about. Firstly it is not just Christmas but all year round that people with need support whether it is home help or a friendly neighbour who genuinely cares about them. Some old people can go weeks without seeing anyone so I don’t think Christmas is the be all and end all. What happens when the day comes to an end when you have sacrificed an hour of your time? They go back to being lonely and you have the satisfaction of giving your time. There are many charities that support the elderly and will give you information about how you can help. Don’t wait until after the holidays, be proactive and do it now.

http://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Check out this website if in UK. If you are not from the UK google words that correspond with helping the elderly and you will be sure to find something that can point you in the right direction.

 

I want to thank everyone who has supported me and wish you all a brilliant Christmas and a very Happy New Year. Lots of love, Molly X

 

 

 

7. Dear all, well hello there and how are we all this fine evening? I do hope you are well and reading this in fine spirits. If you are squashed up on the tube after a long, hard day at work then maybe ask the intruder to get their armpit out of your face before you bite them.

I watched the most gorgeous couple, Jasmine and Ryan, on YouTube today who are in love and who are both transgender. However, I am looking forward to the time when stories like this are not so highly significant. This is because I am looking forward to the time when people accept the person for who they are rather than just their gender or sexuality, or that being transgender is not downgraded and believed to be wrong or unacceptable. It is important to bring up such issues like what Jasmine and Ryan have been through to educate and ‘normalise’ it but what about the day when everyone just gets on with it and celebrates a relationship for what it is… a relationship? How lovely will that be. If you have the ability to love someone grab hold of it with whatever external body part reaches out first and keep hold (unless you fall out of love of course). See the link below. Gorgeous couple.

 https://uk.screen.yahoo.com/lgbtq-videos/transgender-love-teen-couple-happiness-101542883.html

A big hello to Elizabeta aka Miss_Cherry_Lee_Lewis. I hope you are having a lovely day. XXX

Hi Molly, I was wondering what you are doing for Christmas? Anon

Hello Anon, to be honest I think you need to mind your own business. Are you planning on stalking me or breaking into my room and rubbing yourself against my things? What are you scheming? If my sister, Morag, goes missing and is later found in the next town hanged, drawn and quartered who do you think they will point the finger at? If my mother, Mrs Mushroom, somehow finds herself face down in a cowpat, who do you think they will suspect would have done such a thing? You, that’s who! What about if my friends, Pamela and Germalina, randomly combust due to eating a selection of poisonous plants? It will be you that gets the blame.

Have a wonderful Christmas, Molly X

 

Dear Molly Mushroom, I have really enjoyed reading your blogs over the past weeks and think that you give some really good advice. I was especially interested in reading about Naomi’s bowel problem in the first instalment as I suffer with the same problem though it tends to come out the front bit. Any suggestions on how to combat this embarrassing occurrence? Teri

 Are we talking fanny farts here? Why oh why do I get so many gross-out emails? Why can’t I get pleasant ones like Oprah? What have I done to deserve this obscenity? I am aware that I have a drunken lush as a mother and a sadistic, sociopath of a sister but I am a good girl I am. Whatever happened to nice letters or problems? This week I have been bombarded with dirty, graphic emails all about the nether-regions and what you people out there do with them. Here are some examples.

Hi Molly, you are one hot spore!’

‘Dear Molly, I have a problem which concerns my penis. It is an extra-large penis and hangs below my shorts in the summer. I get so embarrassed when it rears its ugly head. What do I do?’ I mean, how do I reply to that? Wear underpants? Chop it off? Become a porn star? I mean, really! Here are some more…

‘Hi Molly, I am worried about how many sexual partners I have had. How many is too many?’

‘Molly Mushroom, you are a slut!’

‘Dear Molly, I was wondering if you could give me some advice on my inverted nipples. I have sent a photo. (please ignore my husband!) I hope you like ;-)’

‘Hi Molly, I was recently dared to go into a gay sex shop but I refused as that sort of thing goes against my religion. After a few seconds of struggling my mates got hold of me and pushed me in where I fell over a large display of phallic implements with one ending up somewhere I do not care to mention. The big, hairy man behind the counter came to help but fell on top of me pressing my body against the ground, his big arms enveloping me. Unfortunately, after he’d tried his hardest to slide himself off, he slipped on a banana skin and hurled himself back on. Well we struggled and wrestled for a good half an hour before eventually managing to pull each other off. After rubbing our poor aching bodies down we were able to laugh about the horrific ordeal over a nice hot cup of tea and a fondant fancy.’

‘Dear Molly Mushroom, I need help.’

‘Dear Molly, can I flick your bean?’

‘Hi Molly, would you ever consider having a face transplant?’

So Teri, I suggest you plug it up and make an appointment with your GP. Good day! Molly X

6. Well hello there and welcome. Molly Mushroom at your service, with a smile and a song. Does anyone else think Snow White looks like a blow up doll?

I have had a lovely and enjoyable time full of gay cheer and frivolities. The week started by going for a bike ride with my friends Penelope and Germalina. What fun we thought, peddling through the lanes and feeling the cold in our hair when suddenly a great gust of wind blew up Penelope’s gash and she took off. I kid you not, Penelope flew high in the air, circled a few times (Germalina thought she was showing off) and then was caught by a seagull. Well, by this time, as you can imagine, myself and Germalina were wetting ourselves as Penelope screamed in terror in the grasp of the greedy bird, her hair a mass of frizz. Thankfully, for her, the seagull sneezed and dropped her in a hawthorn bush where she was ripped to pieces. By this time we were bored with waiting for her and had made a lovely seating area for our winter picnic. She was incredibly lucky to have found us some time later with some food left as we were incredibly hungry and had eaten with relish. So that was that. A few days later I had a photo-shoot with Penelope Keith and Rihanna, which was a blast until they had a falling out over ‘one bikini fits all’ swimwear. It made me feel quite nauseous.

I would like to say a big hello to Sara Harvey aka ambivalent_sun.I love your doodles!

Ooh check out Siouxsie’s new song Love Crime – very haunting.

Anyway, enough about me, it’s over to you.

 Hi Molly, what’s up? I would like to know how you get to meet all these amazing people. Also, who has been your favourite and your least favourite celebrity you have met? Pauline J

 Hi Pauline J, as you can see by my reactions when meeting these celebrities I am ecstatic to the point of frisking myself, except for one or two, but I have to be the professional in these matters and try to keep my hands where all can see. Generally I gate-crash and blackmail the celebrities to have a photo with me and other times I just pop into Madame Tussauds and take a picture of myself with a wax work model. Did you notice any difference between the real Madonna and the fake?! I was, however, banned due to striking a match to Donald Trump and melting his godforsaken arse, however, when they realised who it was they thanked me and I now am now the proud owner of a one year free pass to the attraction and unlimited travel to America and Mexico.

Who has been my favourite celebrity? I have two actually. The first has to be Zsa Zsa Gabor. She was incredibly kind spirited and taught me the tango. I never would have imagined how flexible she was and she put my clumsy steps to shame. You could never say she has two left feet that one. Marvellous! The other celebrity who I found to be charming was Linford Christie. Not only was he charming but completely dishy and someone I found had the ability to turn me to soup. In fact most celebrities I meet are perfectly lovely, when they speak and are not made of wax that is.

So I guess you want to hear who I feel has been the worst out of the lot of them? It has to be the one and only Dawn French. Rude and randy is what I would say. The amount of times I had to prise her off me was beyond any spores belief. Still we managed to come to an agreement and if I did not sell the story to the paper she would be my cleaner for life. She is not very good but it keeps her off the streets.

I hope that answers your question, Pauline? Ciao for now, Molly X

 

Dear Molly Mushroom, I am writing as I have some concerns about my mental health. Recently I have begun to get down about the slightest things and have destructive thoughts about myself. These thoughts involve feelings of not being good enough. I do not think that I have made the best out of my life and look at my friends and wish I had what they had. Any help would be great, thanks, Donna.

Hi Donna, Molly here to help. Firstly, you take up place on this earth and a very important space you take up too. No one else can take this place and nor do they deserve the privilege. Whether you are of a positive or negative disposition you are amazing. Every single one of your cells proves that. It is very difficult coping with a mental health issue, having destructive thoughts and then comparing yourself to friends who you feel are more successful than you. It would be easy to say something along the lines of how they probably feel the same way and compare themselves to yourself and others but this is not about them. It is about you. Many, many people suffer with mental health issues in one way or another. Depression is the second most disabling condition in the UK and is rising. Along with depression comes anxiety, stress, obsessive thoughts and behaviours to name a few.

I can see that you are starting to act upon your feelings by writing to me and I applaud you. By asking for help is a huge part of your recovery. You have acknowledged that you have these thoughts so now you can move forward and start addressing them.

When did you start sensing that you had feelings of not being good enough or a lack of self-worth? Can you pinpoint a time or place? Think back to when you started to feel these negative thoughts? Was it through childhood or adulthood. When did someone knock your confidence so badly that you felt you were a lesser person because of this? How did this all come about?

Mental health can be a combination of biological, genetic, psychological and environmental. All, some or few of these factors are contributors.

I believe that you need to understand where this is coming from before you can start to really get better. However, there are many things that you can do to start off. The most important thing you can do for yourself is give yourself a break. Stop pounding your head with negativity. Allow yourself some time off. Maybe you could try it a little at a time e.g. at six o’clock until seven o’clock every evening (or whenever is good for you) allow yourself not think about how crap you think you are and just say how amazing you are. Even if it as little as five minutes a day, you need to start somewhere! You may not believe it at first but the more positive thoughts you tell yourself the more your subconscious mind will absorb them. Keep on and on saying how fantastic life is, how great you are, how lucky you are to have what you have. You may not feel like doing it but tough shit, get on an do it! Be proactive. Your mind is very powerful and acts upon what it is told.

Reflect on the good and success you have had in your life. Remember that if you had it before you can certainly have it again if only you will allow yourself.

Exercise, laughter, sex, socialising and healthy eating are other things that can help you.

There are many places you can go for  support. I have given you a few websites that you can look into and hopefully find the support you need.

With best wishes, Molly X

Below are a few websites that can help and are based in the UK. For worldwide information go onto google and do some research.

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/mental-health-a-z/M/mindfulness/

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/Mentalhealthhome.aspx

 

Lots of love everyone, Molly Mushroom X

 

 

.

5. Hello, hello, hello to one and all and welcome to Ask Molly Mushroom, the only mushroom on the net who will answer anything you care to chuck at her. There has been a lot of bargain basement emails sent to me this week for some unknown reason and one that actually turned my stomach, but forever the professional, I read it, heaved a bit and then put it straight in the trash can away from prying eyes.  One particular email made me laugh heartily but unfortunately it was not picked. Instead was an email from Pete in Somerset which landed in my inbox and was chosen at random. To be perfectly honest, when I read it I found myself having a great laugh with my friend, Delia, but through sheer cringe. Seriously, some people's lives crack me up! It was only when my sister, Morag, came up and electrocuted me that I finally pulled myself together and tried the best I could to respond. To be honest with you I would skip it (unless you have an interest in traffic cones) and move on to the second question where at least you will get some relationship advice.

I have had a wonderful week and am very excited as I performed with the one and only Marilyn Monroe. It was a marvellous experience until she had a little accident on stage. As the real professional in this scenario, I was able to carry on without her and perform a cracking act to which the audience erupted into applause. You will be able to see this soon on YouTube in full HD so you can have a jolly good laugh at old wrinkly wig features.

I would like to say a big hello to a few people, if I may, and also a tickle under the chin to the lovely Pelle and Yip. Raymond aka Horrorhunk2 and Kenneth Walter, hello there and thank you for all your support, you cheeky sausages. With love, Molly Mushroom.

 

P.S. The bitch that tried to sue me last week has only gone and got herself arrested for scrumping apples. She is currently being held in a high security prison just of the east coast of Africa. Serves her right!  

Dear Molly Mushroom, hello my name is Pete and I came across your blog when I was searching for lesbian Ping-Pong  porn. I had to write to you as I feel you do not judge anyone and anything goes. My real name is not Pete, but Gavin Samuel-Pickings, but I want to keep myself anonymous so please call me Pete. I live in a small town called Little Woking in Somerset and work as a postman. I thought you might be interested to know that I collect traffic cones. I have collected them since I was a small boy and now have over two thousand. I am very proud of my collection and am thinking about exhibiting them. What I wanted to let you know is that I recently found a cone that was red and so I decided to put white dots on it. I am now thinking of putting a mop on the top and using it as my ‘special’ cone for ‘special’ occasions. What do you think? Pete.

 Dear Pete,

Thank you for letter. It was a very interesting read and one that I have shown my friend, Delia for a giggle. I have passed this on to her as I feel that she will be able to deal with your issue better than myself. Please do have a look at my friend’s response below as she is properly trained in such severe issues as yours. Best of luck, Molly X

 

Hello Pete, my name is Delia and I am here to help you through any problems you may have got yourself into. Although I did have a giggle with my friend, Molly, I can see that there is a serious side to this. Let me tell you a little bit about myself first so you know you are in safe hands. I am a qualified, self-taught Psychotherapist and belly dancer and have found combining the two a successful way to help anyone with issues, yours included. To be honest I have come across a lot worse in my time, I think.

Burn the lot of them. Burn those dirty, stinking cones. Burn them I tell you. Burn the little bastards you dirty pervert! With regards, Delia.

 What to do when you are in a loving relationship but now and then your ex-boyfriend pops into your mind ? What does it mean ...? Anon

 It means that you are spiteful and a cheat and need to look at where your morals lie. Only teasing, though if it was my mother answering you she would call you a whore outright. Luckily you have come to me, full of wisdom and wise men. Goodness me, if we could control everything that goes through our minds then we would all exist as robots like in the film The Stepford Wives. No one can read your mind so indulge yourself for a while. Let him pop into that grey matter of yours and say hello if he wants to. A word of warning, if he starts saying a bit more than that, punch him! As my old Gran used to say regularly to Grandpa, ‘Get the fuck out of the house before I chop your bollocks off.’ How we would laugh… such a sense of humour. 

You say you are in a loving relationship, however your ex pops into mind every now and then. Is this during an ‘intimate moment’ with your current partner and that is why you are worried? If so, then there may very well be something wrong with the relationship you are currently in. My guess is it happens when you are wandering down the street happy as a cucumber, minding your own business, and suddenly up he pops (in your mind that is). This might be because you might have gone past a previous haunt that you spent time in together e.g. a police cell, or you heard a song that reminded you of when you made mad passionate love and had a multiple orgasm, or that someone wafted past you in the street wearing  ‘his’ scent.  Although I do not have a nose (blame my creator, J.E. Hanley, the little shit, for that) I find smell the most prominent sense to relate past to. You might also have to think about how the relationship ended? Maybe there was unfinished business and your unconscious mind is trying to heal you by making itself known.

 

To be perfectly honest, be grateful that you can remember your past relationships. They helped to mould you into what you are now, and unless you are a gibbering, obese, serial killer with a passion for having sex with traffic cones, you can be happy that you still have a healthy, functioning mind. A mind that can dip into its past and relay lots of memories, both happy and sad, and that have got you to where you are now in life. Lot’s of love, Molly X

 

Now I'm off to the gym with Madonna to pump some iron and build on our cheek muscles before performing in front of over twenty people at The 02.

 

Until next time, Molly X

4. Good early afternoon all and welcome to the fourth Ask Molly Mushroom. I would like to start off by thanking you for your emails and queries. I do seem to attract a lot of rather rude mail consisting of the strangest problems I have ever heard and I have enjoyed reading every single last one. A big hello to Romek and his dog, Theo. It is always a pleasure being licked so thoroughly although I did have to spend some time drying out in the tumble dryer. And again, thank you Paul for your experimental and rather interesting ideas. Unfortunately we are of different species so I think what you are requesting is a physical impossibility for me. What I would also do first, if I were in your position, would be to try it out on something that is soft, inanimate and at room temperature. Best of luck.

It has been an interesting week as I am currently in the process of being sued by someone who will remain nameless. This person, who we shall call Susan McCarthy, took all my advice in the popular ‘Feel Good with Molly Mushroom Affirmations’ and not only whipped her breasts out to all the nuns taking communion but also flashed her gash. I can only assume she is insane and borderline neurotic. On a good note I have been nominated for a ‘Fungal’. This prestigious award ceremony takes place every year and celebrates spores and other fungi. I won Mushroom of the Year and my dear friend, Penelope, won Spreading the Most Fungal Disease of the Foot award. She is mighty proud. Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you.

 

Hi Molly Mushroom, I love what you do and really enjoy seeing and hearing about your adventures. What I do want to know is, why do you always have a face like a smacked arse? Thanks, Stephen from Exeter.

Well how rude! Sometimes I think that if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything, unless asked of course.

 

Dear Molly, I would be very interested to know what beauty products you use. I am currently training to be a beautician and would like to invent or make up my own products using only organic ingredients. I know you are environmentally aware and against animal testing so any ideas would be greatly appreciated, Sandra

 Hi there Sandra, and thank you for your incredibly kind words. Firstly I do need to be careful of using too much water due to my flesh absorbing it. If this is the case I inflate like a balloon.  That actually happened to me last week when I went on holiday with Paris Hilton. She pushed me in the swimming pool at the Playboy mansion and I soaked up all the water and had to be air-lifted out. I am currently keeping a low profile as I heard on the grapevine that they are now after my spores for testing. I object to my DNA being used for panty-liners or nappies. The indignity!

Going back to my complexion. I always keep my face moisturised whether it’s a good moisturising factor 30 (my preference) or anything that keeps my face nice and smooth. My sister once told me to use margarine, the bitch, and I had to be quarantined as they thought I was contagious. What had actually happened was the margarine had blocked my pores and I burst out into pimples. I also believe that plenty of sleep, a healthy diet and exercise gives you that certain Je Ne Sais Quoi. I also try to make sure I’m in bed nice and early so I get my beauty sleep. Sometimes I can sleep for over twenty four hours and usually wake up dusty and in front of the front door. My mother has used me as a draft excluder , double bitch!

I like to use natural ingredients on my face. As a face mask I use egg-white whipped up to a frenzy. I smother it all over my face until I resemble a meringue and leave it until it dries. I have also been known to mash up a banana or avocado and smear it all over myself. I will not tell you what my friend, Freddie Fungus, uses but his skin is as soft as cream. For a facial scrub I place some olive oil, coffee granules, granulated sugar and honey in a small pot. I gently apply this to my buoyant skin and rub in gently. How fresh and blotchy I look when it is removed.

Other ideas you could try are tapioca, oven cleaner, baked beans on toast or simply apply a paper bag over the offending head.

I do hope this has helped you, Sandra, and if you need any more advice please maybe think about the profession you are going into and maybe change it? Just a thought. With love, Molly X

 What do you think of Tom Cruise and his religion ( cult ),' Scientology' ?

I have to say, like any religion, I believe that it is a form of control and can be very destructive. I am also aware that it can be incredibly beneficial to people and also give a sense of belonging. In the UK it is not recognised as a religion and, personally, I can kind of see why. In all fairness people have the right to choose what they want to believe in whatever other people percieve it to be. However, I totally disagree when people are involved against their will, especially children who have no say in the matter. I did read recently that Tom, and his wife at the time, ignored their child when she was screaming in another room. However, I was not there so cannot comment. If this is so then I feel it is wrong, and not only because I cannot stand the sound of high pitched screeching. Children need comfort and reassurance. My speculation is that babies and children left to resolve their own issues on a regular basis could very well grow up with attachment issues that will be difficult to resolve in later life.  A lot of research has gone into Attachment Theory and if you would like to read more about it then see the link at the bottom of this topic.

I think that Scientology is another form of herding people like cattle and shaping them into whatever the founders’ belief is whether it is a cult or a religion.

Why are there so many wars? Why do people feel the need to control and do anything in their power to do so? The religious books, so many people abide by, are a well written piece of fiction. They are there to be enjoyed, to give hope and help people find spirituality and love. Sadly they also control and dictate. Look at how much homophobia is spread due to religious beliefs and stories. Wouldn’t it be smashing to allow the existence of others without prejudice? Look how Sodom and Gomorrah is widely overlooked. Religion should be about tolerance and living together whatever the race, culture, gender or sexuality.

Going back to Scientology. Now, what I know about this ‘religion/cult’ is the belief that people are immortal alien beings called Thetans. Thetans are trapped on earth in a human body form who have forgotten their true nature and are trapped on earth. (I’m just so pleased I am of the fungal variety). Thetans, according to the scientology theory, have led numerous lives and on other planets. Scientologists believe that each Thetan has lived many past lives. If you pay money to the Church of Scientology people can free themselves of their human form and reclaim their true selves. Isn’t that nice? I wonder if they have a place for a little mushroom?

As I say, like any religion, it is totally up to the individual on what they believe. If it helps then what can be bad about that? Just don’t let it dictate how you spread your wonderfulness and stop you from enjoying your life and who you are. Be spiritual, be good, give love and respect and accept yourself. Regards, Molly X

www.scientology.org

http://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

P.S. I have just been told by my good friend, Germalina, that oven cleaner does not work. She tried it once and she melted.

 

 

3. Good early evening and welcome again to Ask Molly Mushroom’s third instalment. I do hope that you are all well and have had a lovely day. If not then I recommend a stiff drink while listening to Molly Mushroom’s Feel Good Affirmations. These affirmations have helped people worldwide and are listened to by the likes of Ken Dodd and Pamela Ewing. They really are jolly good.

Firstly, I would like to acknowledge the horrendous and pointless attacks that have been going on around the world including the abhorrent crimes that have been happening in Paris. I was truly shocked and devastated to hear what these ‘people’ have done and am truly saddened to hear and see the outcomes of their cowardice and despicable crimes. It breaks my heart to think that some people are so horrendously brainwashed and extremist that they could carry out this sort of thing. I wish everyone involved in this hideous state of events love and love and more love.

Thank you all for your letters and emails. Keep them coming! It is of regret that I can't be bothered am unable to correspond with everyone, and some a relief! You know who you are, you dirty boy! It has also been a rather trying time for me due to being serenaded by the one and only Barry Manilow. It was one of the most disturbing things that has ever happened to me, what with his knobbly knees and quaffed hair. I just pray the publicity photos do not see the light of day. Saying that, the whole story will soon be on YouTube so be sure not to miss it. Anyway, enough of me, here’s over to you.

 

 

Good evening Molly, as the miraculous fungus specialist that you are, I wondered if you could be so kind as to help me with my very itchy and irritating problem. Do you recommend any thrush busting remedies? I’ve tried the regular pessaries and canestan creams but they have not worked. Are there any other treatments that could help? I heard on the thrush vine that aloe vera can help but would like to hear it from the mouth of a specialist. Here’s hoping you can help with my problem and fast before my flu fly’s away.

Yours kindly Itchy Irna 

 Hello Irna, Molly here to help you with that itch of yours. I am aware that you wrote to me a week ago so I am wondering what state it is in now or even if there is any point in replying to you, ha ha. Has your flu flown away? Surely we would have seen it. I also want to thank you for the flattery but I’m afraid it will get you nowhere. I am indeed an expert in everything fungal and consider myself a knowledgeable spore, especially considering half of my extended family are of the ‘jock itch’ variety. Those cheeky chaps know how to have a good time, I’m telling you! Now, I am assuming that you have smothered yourself and eaten your weight in live yogurt? This has proven to combat that rather unpleasant and contagious infection you have. If I were you I would use something with a pleasant smell to it, something like plum or raspberry. My advice is to smother yourself in it and leave it on for seventy eight hours. As my old Gran used to say before we opened our Christmas presents, ‘A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,’ which always helped us through those sticky moments and hard times. How wise and just she was. As you are probably aware, thrush is a yeast infection that can affect the vagina, the penis and if you’re really unlucky both at the same time. You can also get it orally. Now, you say that you have tried pessaries (are you also incontinent? Do you have a partner?) and that the canesten cream didn’t work. What worries me is that you may have got confused with canderel? I once had a friend who made that mistake and she grew a whole farm down below in a matter of minutes. Keep away from marmite and breads.

Other remedies include sitting in a bath of spaghetti hoops, sticking your head in manure and shaving your pubic hair off and sticking it on your upper, upper lip.

If you honestly have found that none of these have worked then I really do recommend you pop down to a pharmacist in the next town to you and talk to them about your problem. You could also wear a disguise to make doubly sure your, shall we say, condition, is not spread like wild fire around your community. May I recommend a Molly Mushroom costume that you can hire out at most good fancy dress shops. Also Ann Summers have just put out a Molly Mushroom maid, limited edition, outfit but be careful as it can apparently chafe and we don’t want that now do we?

For more information about thrush please check out this website http://www.fpa.org.uk/sexually-transmitted-infections-stis-help/thrush-and-bacterial-vaginosis

I do wish you well, Irna, and hope that your condition clears up before you find yourself on the deli counter. With love, Molly X

P.S. Please be aware that thrush is not an STI.

 

Name three things that annoy you? Harry

 Only three, Harry? Generally I try not to get annoyed with things but sometimes I can feel my spores boiling over and it is then that I worry I will be in danger of being mistaken for a hydrated Cup-a-Soup. There are many things that annoy me and most of them involve the inconsiderateness of people’s behaviour and disgusting habits such as spitting. This, what some people think of as acceptable but is in fact repugnant, behaviour makes me want to shed my outer skin and wash my annulus thoroughly. The way certain people make that revolting sound and then ‘flob’ on a pavement in view of all makes me want to spit very angry indeed. Revolting, disgusting, filthy habit.

Another thing that gets my goat is people driving around in their big, flashy cars, windows down playing their music at top level thinking themselves cool. ‘Pssst’, I want to say to them. ‘You look like a nob!’

One of the main things that, not only annoy but sadden me greatly, is how some people are so intolerant and of closed mind. I think some of the reasons this happens is due to the vulnerability of the person or where they can be brainwashed. A good example is of the awful happenings in Paris last week and the on-going terrorism attacks on innocent people around the world. I will never project hate onto these ‘people’ who disrupt so many, though it is tempting. What they did was abhorrent and unforgivable. It is important to try and understand them. To get to the core of their behaviour. Knowledge is power. Instead I will wish for peace and project love and freedom onto every living thing that exists.

Other things that annoy me are laziness, neglect, inequality, people who fly-tip, drop litter, bully, follow the crowd, live lives through someone else’s, martyrs, and Maria Carey fans. (She once told me, on a photo-shoot that she wanted to chop me up and put me in a quiche. Bitch!)

I think I might have to do my ‘Feel Good Affirmations’ now to calm down.

Farewell all and I look forward to next week’s edition of Ask Molly Mushroom. X

Email me your problems or questions at askmollymushroom@yahoo.com

2.  Hello, this is Molly Mushroom, lover of hopscotch and dribbling. Another good early evening to you and welcome to my second ‘Ask Molly Mushroom’ blog. I do so hope you have had a good day. It has not been a good week for me to be honest and it is all down to those naughty Teletubbies and their bad influence.  It started off with all four of them flashing their goods at me. I thought “I am not standing for this” so I flashed them back and watched the colour drain swiftly from their faces. The entire episode ended with all five of us being arrested for indecent exposure. During this time Tinky Winky’s television had malfunctioned so he transferred the ‘adult’ repeats of Dynasty into Laa-Laa’s box while Po exposed his ‘tinky winky’ to all and sundry.  I was then double-dared by Laa-Laa to moon in the window at the Women’s Guild but slipped and dislocated my neck, and Dipsy got so tipsy he vomited heartily. How we laughed! Then the police arrived, covered Laa-Laa’s box wih a blanket and bundled us all into a police van. After a few nights in a police cell my mother, Mrs Mushroom, decided to pay my bail and I was grounded for the rest of the week. Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you and get down to business.

Dear Molly Mushroom, I am very embarrassed about a problem that I have got and don’t know who to turn to. I am a seventeen year old lad and am studying at college. I am good looking and am popular with my mates and girls. This is not the problem. The problem is that I have found a lump on one of my testicles and am too embarrassed to seek advice. You see, I think I have a small penis and I am so ashamed what my doctor would think. I know that I need to sort it out but I really can’t face pulling down my trousers and seeing the reaction of my doctor when he sees my bits. I know I need to do this but I just keep putting it off. Anon

 Hi there. Thank you for your email as I can see it took great balls to write to me. There seems to be two issues here that need sorting out, one being the lump on your testicles and the other your dissatisfaction with your manhood. I shall start with what I believe is the most pressing issue, your testes. Like my old Gran used to say to us before we were bathed and hair washed, ‘Three is a crowd,’ so I really think that you should pick up that phone and dial your GP. There is probably nothing to worry about but you need to look after those little fella’s of yours. But then again it could be something that needs urgent attention. You may never know until it is too late. If the lump does turn out to be cancerous then there is a much higher chance of it being dealt with successfully in the earlier stages. It could also very well be, and more likely to be, benign. Forget that you believe it to be a small cock, drop those pants, hold your head high and proudly display your goods to the doctor making sure it’s only your head on your shoulders that stands to attention! What people seem to forget is that doctors see a huge amount of people on a daily basis. They don’t give a toss about what your anatomy looks like unless there is something wrong with it. What they do give a shit about is that it is working properly and is healthy. You leave the room, they write a few notes on you and then ask to see the next patient.

My goodness me, far too many men wait and wait until they are nearly dead before seeing someone about a problem they have. My friend, Penelope, dated someone who refused to see a doctor. Sadly she had to dump him due to his head falling off when they were making love. She was mortified!

Check this link out with further information about testicular cancer.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Cancer-of-the-testicle/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Now let’s talk about the next bit of your problem: Your wiener. It seems that every male at some point has an issue with their penis so you are not on your own. Some willies are huge and some are small, while some bend to the left and some to the right. I bet that if you compared yours to others you will find that it is actually pretty much in proportion to your body. A lot of the time men look down at their nether regions from above and only see the top bit. What’s worse is if you don’t trim and just see one big bush. My advice, stand in front of the mirror, put your hands on your hips and jut your pelvis out. I bet it doesn't look so small now! Let me ask you a question. Does your penis work? Any problems when you pee?  Do you get enjoyment out of it? If the answer is ‘no’ to the first two questions there’s probably something wrong. If it does hurt when you pee you might have a urinary infection or a sexually transmitted infection (STI) in which case go and see your doctor immediately. You are lucky that a part of your body can give you so much pleasure regardless of what it looks like. (And get you into trouble if you’re not careful!) Acceptance is a big part of everyday life. You may not like a part of your anatomy, and true, you can change it with surgical procedures, but I recommend that you learn to love and accept every single bit of you both inside and out. Your body is amazing, warts and all. Cherish it and enjoy it. Look at your willy and tell it you love it. Get hold of it with one or two hands, depending, and give it a jolly good shake and say, thank you. Remember, your nob might very well be smaller than some but also much bigger than others. With Best regards, Molly X

 

Hi there Molly. Where do you get your hair done? It’s amazing! I would like hair just like yours, Sarah.

 

Hello Sarah and thank you for your question and the picture you sent in. I take it you are giving me a compliment judging by the photo? Either way the answer is my friend, Freddie Fungus, does it for me. He owns a small but vibrant unisex hair salon just down the road from me specialising in big hair and wigs. I am very lucky as my hair is naturally huge. (Incidentally, I have heard on the grapevine that Joan Collins is in awe of it and has requested a wig to be made just like mine but out of pipe cleaners.)

Now Sarah, after taking a step back and getting over the shock, I can see that you are trying your hardest to maintain a healthy hair style that is both complimentary and easy to manage. However, I do recommend you go to a specialist establishment where they can offer you advice, a good stylist and therapy. Also, what you could do is look under the sections ‘plumbers’ or ‘mechanics’ in the Yellow Pages and hopefully you will get someone who is up for a bit of a challenge. I do hope that helps. With kindest thoughts, Molly X